Chapter 1 - The Calm

The Dyke of Steel who fights for female world domination. The Hetero Hero who fights for male liberation from female oppression. At once mortal enemies and best of friends they fight together against anyone they don’t like. They literally fight the Battle of the Sexes for the good of all humynkind. I proudly present the Dysfunctional Duo, Iron Dyke and Captain Hetero!

Captain Hetero reads the Medium. “Hm…according to this I’ve been treating my white girls all wrong. I kinda knew to not leave them alone too long though. Some of those sorority sluts are easier than first grade math. Oh, there you are M.” Johnny Taurus was eating lunch in the Busch dining hall when his best friend, Melissa O’ Hare joined him. “What took you so long?” “It was that crazy Haitian bus driver who drives the A bus over here”, she said, “she was playin some reggae music really loud and kept missing bus stops. So we had to swing around in these insane U-turns to pick people up. It was nuts. So, how did your dates go the other night?”
“Oh, it was alright. I figured out that Asian girls go best with butterscotch. I was thinking that when eating out Indian girls…I don’t know, what do you think, coffee?”
“Johnny, I don’t know what is this thing you have with mixing sex and food. I guess it’s because you’re a guy. If you were a lesbian like me you’d know that all you need is your tongue, a few fingers, and the occasional strap-on. But I’m not so much into that. Besides, you don’t need to put anything on Indian pussy…it’s already naturally spicy from the curry. I was eating out this one girl Nita…I had to keep a glass of water near the bed. Her clit tasted like curry. So what’re you doing tonight? I was thinking of staying home and watching Iron Dyke kick Captain Hetero’s ass.”
“Hm, that’s interesting, because I’m almost positive that Cap Het is going to completely embarrass her tonight. I don’t think that some pissed off dyke in cheesy armor can beat The Man. He’s just too strong, too fast, and too good to let her beat him. It’s a matter of pride…no real man could accept losing to a girl.”
“Well, I hope he handles losing well, cuz he is going to experience the biggest defeat of his life. In fact, everyone will know because I think she’s gonna beat his sorry ass from Douglass to Livingston so that everyone will se how TRULY FUCKING PATHETIC MEN REALLY ARE!!!”
“Umm, M, maybe you should calm down a little…people are staring and you’re upsetting the Asians.”
“What do they care? It’s not like I’m yelling in Mandarin or something. You know I had a thought the other day. I don’t see why more Asians aren’t bi. I mean look at them…most of the time it’s really hard to tell the boys from the girls. After a while they’ve got to realize what it means when they’re attracted to people with the same body types as their own sex possesses. Homosexuality isn’t that far behind.”
Johnny looked at her for a looong time.
You’re wrong you know that? There is just so much about you that is so very, very wrong.”
***
Meanwhile, across town, plans are being made for after the fight. A shadowy figure, General Mann, addresses his first recruit. Evan Ridge floats in a greenish solution, a futuristic headset beaming orders directly into his cerebral cortex. “These Fraternity boys are the perfect cannon fodder for our mission. These Greek societies erase any traces of individuality and free will their members may have had. They place an emphasis on all that macho posturing, sexist bullshit we teach them, and they aren’t too much into books. Big, dumb and ready to fight. And we don’t have to do a blessed thing but sit back and watch these suckers pledge. After that, it’s a small jump to working for us. Hopefully, recruiting will be as good in the Sigma Lambda Theta sorority as it is in the Delta Iota Kappa frat. We’ll have so many FR.A.T.’s (Front-line Assault Troops) and S.L.U.T.’s (Super-Light Undercover Troops) that those two renegade super-powered freaks won’t know what hit them. All reports and intelligence has come to the conclusion that Iron Dyke will win by a narrow margin. When the fight’s over, she’ll be greatly weakened though. That’s where you come in Evan my boy. You’ll lead the first wave of FR.A.T.’s against the Iron Dyke. Disable her, but don’t kill her. I want her technology for the Pentagon.”
General Mann’s orders were translated into sound and light waves and were beamed into Evan’s brain. As he floated in his re-education tank, everything he would need to know about how to kill maim and destroy was burned into his frontal lobe. The day of the FR.A.T. boy was at hand.
***
“Oh, and did you hear about the new gym we’re getting on Douglass?” Melissa had stopped complaining about the food just long enough to talk about something else for a change. “It’s being funded entirely by some Multinational company based out of Brazil, the Athena Corporation I think they’re called. Apparently the whole Board of Directors is female. My kind of company. I hope they’re hiring, I’d love to work in a place like that. And they should want to have me…I am the best Robotics designer in this hemisphere.”
“And modest too.”
“What?”
“Nothing.” Johnny’s mind started to drift to the evening’s activities. He had noticed a buzz, an electricity in the air on every campus. Straight people, male and female, we’re assembling on Douglass to cheer him on. Lesbians, Gay men, and everyone in between were also there to watch Iron Dyke take out the embodiment of everything they felt oppressed them. If only they knew how wonderful it is to be straight. If only I could convince them that being gay is OK as long as you don’t go taking confused straight girls and trying to make them into carpet munchers too. I wish I could make Melissa understand that, but she’s too far-gone. The power of the Vagina has control on her as surely as it has a hold on me.
“Hey M, do you think that pussy is addictive?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean do you think it’s possible to stop eating pussy once you’ve started? Is it addictive, like crack or heroin?”
“Hm…I don’t know.” Melissa considered the possibility. “I mean, I’ve known girls who were completely straight until I met them. Some of them came over completely, some of them just got greedy and wanted to fuck men and women. But none of them ever went back. I don’t know if they could if they wanted to. Well, I’ve gotta go. I have a long night head of me.”
“Yeah me too. I’ll seeya later, after the fight ok?” He hugged his friend good bye, and they went they’re separate ways, little realizing that they would meet again in a scant few hours as Cap Het and I.D.