Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Chapter 2 - The Storm

The battle had been raging for at least 40 minutes. It started in the trees in front of the chapel on Douglass. Across George Street, past the parking deck, and to the big lawn across from Bartlett Hall.
"So…we meet at last Iron Dyke. I have to admit, your work is impressive."
"Captain Hetero. Yeah, if nothing else, I have to say I’m approve of your methods. You do deliver a good beating. But your short, brilliant career is about to come to an explosive finish. Your the embodiment of everything I hate. Everything I fight against. You just gotta go. ROCK ON DYKES! This one’s for you!"
"Yeah well, beyond the fact that you represent my strongest competition for winning bisexual chicks back to the right team, I don’t have anything against you either. But I can’t let you go around trying to prove that women are better than men. Playtime’s over little girl, daddy’s home."
I.D. started by trying to fight Cap in hand to hand. This didn’t go on for too long. Cap proved to be far superior to her at fighting hand to hand. She ran every martial arts program she had through her hand-to-hand attack plan that she had. Wu-Shu, Thai Kickboxing, Shotokan Karate; whatever she tried he was better at it than she was. For every punch she threw she took three to the head. The armor absorbed the blows to a degree, but she soon realized it’d be a quick loss for her if things went on this way. So she did what any self-respecting lesbian would do. She resorted to guns…Big guns.
"Iron Dyke Armor version 2, WAR DYKE!"
It was quiet at first in front of the old Chapel. Lesbians, gay men, and all manner of gay folk gathered early. They were a good distance from the action, but they were there in force. When I.D. floated down from the sky, the crowd went wild. Queens danced, Dykes high-fived. A good deal of the straight community of Rutgers showed too. There was bus after bus of straight folk arriving, crowding the streets, waiting for The Man. Soon enough he came, rode up on his Cycle and strode confidently up to I.D. The crowds fell silent. A cool breeze blew on an unseasonably warm afternoon. The sun streamed through the leaves. They stared intently at each other for an eternal few seconds. Then, Melissa noticed something…
Right forearm, small machine gun; Left forearm, grenade launcher; Right shoulder, SolarShock tm Laser; Left Shoulder, 35 mm explosive round rotating cannon, And in the middle of her chest, the Pink Triangle Plasma Blaster. "Oh shit", Cap thought, "so this is War Dyke. I was wondering when she was going to stop playing around and get serious." This is where Cap’s shield proves its worth. She took some random potshots at him with her guns, and he blocked most of them. He dodged, back flipped, and tried to evade the bigger stuff like the laser and grenade launcher. Cap decided the best way to avoid getting shot was to make her be over-aggressive. "Not too hard to do", he thought. He sprinted for George Street at superhuman speed, hopped the fence, and headed for the parking deck. War Dyke continued to fire at him, but hit nothing but ground. "Shit, why is he so fucking fast?" She flew over to the parking deck, searching but not finding Cap. She did however find a car owned by a non-Douglass student, which she fired a grenade into. "That’s a lot more effective than a parking ticket", she smiled to herself. "This is fun", she thought, "the hunt, the chase…" She let her mind wander as she flew to the top level of the deck. A few seconds later her scanners found Cap, running right at her. He dived off the roof smashing into her chest. About halfway down she recovered from his hit, grabbed him, spun and threw him off of her to the ground. Johnny hit the ground, rolled a couple of times, and sprang to his feet. He had to because almost before he hit the ground War Dyke started unload her guns at the spot where he would land. He took a few shots, but was still unhurt. "OK, OK", he thought, "time for new tactics. Need more cover."
He took off again, War Dyke close on his heels the whole time, and got to the field with the nice peaceful little duck pond. At least it was peaceful until a stray grenade blasted all of the poor duckies into pate. Eventually, he managed to get her to shoot at him while he was standing in front of a tree. She blew the trunk away, and just managed to evade the falling tree. "Here’s my opening." Cap closed the distance between them pretty fast and thought that the fight was soon to be over, when he received a little surprise. "Air Mines!" Cap sprinted straight into a little gray ball that appeared, hovering before him. "What the hell…" BOOM! The mine exploded in his face, sending him flying towards another one, which exploded him towards another one. This went on, pinballing him from mine to mine another 4 times. "Oww…tricky bitch! That hurt!" Melissa smiled beneath her mask. "What’s the matter? Men are such pussies, can’t stand a little pain. Well, let’s see how you handle a lot of pain. War Dyke Super Attack, BUTCH BLITZ!" Cap was not prepared for what happened next. All he could do was hide behind his shield and hope this assault ended before he did. I.D. opened up with all of her guns in a destructive chorus; the staccato machine guns, the base of the grenades, the loud riff of laser, culminating in what everybody came to see, the coup de grace.
"Hm…I think she’s almost done…the shots are coming less frequently…but I’m not finished yet…what’s she up to…" Then he got his answer in the form of a blinding pink light followed by intense heat. "Get ready to fry boy, PINK TRIANGLE BLASTEEEEERR!!!" The plasma stream was enormous. Fortunately, the crowd was far away from the fight, or hundreds would have died. The pink aura of power that emanated from her symbol of Lesbian Power could be seen as far away as Scotch Plains. When it was over, a large part of the field had been seriously scorched. And there was no sign of Captain Hetero. Not even his shield. "Hah, that did it. It was fun, but the outcome was inevitable." Unknown to most, Melissa had a flare for working a crowd. She slowly turned to the assembled masses, raised her fist and yelled "ROCK ON DYKES!" Her fans went apeshit, and the Hetero supporters fell silent. Was he really dead?
General Mann was watching all of this from a helicopter high overhead. Hm…stupid bitch thinks she’s won. I personally oversaw his creation…he doesn’t go down that easily. FR.A.T. team 1, stand by. When the fight’s really over, take down whoever is left standing…Hard.
Ironically enough, another person was at that moment giving the same order. "Amazons…if the Iron clad one cannot win this fight, we must destroy the menace Captain Hetero. With the help of the goddess Pia Messa, we will be victorious. As your Estro, I promise you that. And Estro Geena always keeps her word.’ (Don’t worry, I’ll translate all that later-John) Twenty amazon warriors armed to the teeth were hell bent on ripping Captain Hetero to shreds should he win the fight. Twenty FR.A.T. boys stood ready to pulverize Iron Dyke should she actually succeed in beating Cap Het. Ever have one of those days where it’s like you just can’t win no matter what you do?
Cap breathed hard in the tree he was hiding in. He had to push his body to its limits and use his Adrenaline Rush super move to get out of the way of the beam in time. He needed a minute to let his body recover. But he wasn’t done yet, not by a long shot. "Ok Dyke, you can have your fifteen minutes in the sun. But I know-something You don’t-know. I’m not dead yet…too bad for you."

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Chapter 1 - The Calm

The Dyke of Steel who fights for female world domination. The Hetero Hero who fights for male liberation from female oppression. At once mortal enemies and best of friends they fight together against anyone they don’t like. They literally fight the Battle of the Sexes for the good of all humynkind. I proudly present the Dysfunctional Duo, Iron Dyke and Captain Hetero!

Captain Hetero reads the Medium. “Hm…according to this I’ve been treating my white girls all wrong. I kinda knew to not leave them alone too long though. Some of those sorority sluts are easier than first grade math. Oh, there you are M.” Johnny Taurus was eating lunch in the Busch dining hall when his best friend, Melissa O’ Hare joined him. “What took you so long?” “It was that crazy Haitian bus driver who drives the A bus over here”, she said, “she was playin some reggae music really loud and kept missing bus stops. So we had to swing around in these insane U-turns to pick people up. It was nuts. So, how did your dates go the other night?”
“Oh, it was alright. I figured out that Asian girls go best with butterscotch. I was thinking that when eating out Indian girls…I don’t know, what do you think, coffee?”
“Johnny, I don’t know what is this thing you have with mixing sex and food. I guess it’s because you’re a guy. If you were a lesbian like me you’d know that all you need is your tongue, a few fingers, and the occasional strap-on. But I’m not so much into that. Besides, you don’t need to put anything on Indian pussy…it’s already naturally spicy from the curry. I was eating out this one girl Nita…I had to keep a glass of water near the bed. Her clit tasted like curry. So what’re you doing tonight? I was thinking of staying home and watching Iron Dyke kick Captain Hetero’s ass.”
“Hm, that’s interesting, because I’m almost positive that Cap Het is going to completely embarrass her tonight. I don’t think that some pissed off dyke in cheesy armor can beat The Man. He’s just too strong, too fast, and too good to let her beat him. It’s a matter of pride…no real man could accept losing to a girl.”
“Well, I hope he handles losing well, cuz he is going to experience the biggest defeat of his life. In fact, everyone will know because I think she’s gonna beat his sorry ass from Douglass to Livingston so that everyone will se how TRULY FUCKING PATHETIC MEN REALLY ARE!!!”
“Umm, M, maybe you should calm down a little…people are staring and you’re upsetting the Asians.”
“What do they care? It’s not like I’m yelling in Mandarin or something. You know I had a thought the other day. I don’t see why more Asians aren’t bi. I mean look at them…most of the time it’s really hard to tell the boys from the girls. After a while they’ve got to realize what it means when they’re attracted to people with the same body types as their own sex possesses. Homosexuality isn’t that far behind.”
Johnny looked at her for a looong time.
You’re wrong you know that? There is just so much about you that is so very, very wrong.”
Meanwhile, across town, plans are being made for after the fight. A shadowy figure, General Mann, addresses his first recruit. Evan Ridge floats in a greenish solution, a futuristic headset beaming orders directly into his cerebral cortex. “These Fraternity boys are the perfect cannon fodder for our mission. These Greek societies erase any traces of individuality and free will their members may have had. They place an emphasis on all that macho posturing, sexist bullshit we teach them, and they aren’t too much into books. Big, dumb and ready to fight. And we don’t have to do a blessed thing but sit back and watch these suckers pledge. After that, it’s a small jump to working for us. Hopefully, recruiting will be as good in the Sigma Lambda Theta sorority as it is in the Delta Iota Kappa frat. We’ll have so many FR.A.T.’s (Front-line Assault Troops) and S.L.U.T.’s (Super-Light Undercover Troops) that those two renegade super-powered freaks won’t know what hit them. All reports and intelligence has come to the conclusion that Iron Dyke will win by a narrow margin. When the fight’s over, she’ll be greatly weakened though. That’s where you come in Evan my boy. You’ll lead the first wave of FR.A.T.’s against the Iron Dyke. Disable her, but don’t kill her. I want her technology for the Pentagon.”
General Mann’s orders were translated into sound and light waves and were beamed into Evan’s brain. As he floated in his re-education tank, everything he would need to know about how to kill maim and destroy was burned into his frontal lobe. The day of the FR.A.T. boy was at hand.
“Oh, and did you hear about the new gym we’re getting on Douglass?” Melissa had stopped complaining about the food just long enough to talk about something else for a change. “It’s being funded entirely by some Multinational company based out of Brazil, the Athena Corporation I think they’re called. Apparently the whole Board of Directors is female. My kind of company. I hope they’re hiring, I’d love to work in a place like that. And they should want to have me…I am the best Robotics designer in this hemisphere.”
“And modest too.”
“Nothing.” Johnny’s mind started to drift to the evening’s activities. He had noticed a buzz, an electricity in the air on every campus. Straight people, male and female, we’re assembling on Douglass to cheer him on. Lesbians, Gay men, and everyone in between were also there to watch Iron Dyke take out the embodiment of everything they felt oppressed them. If only they knew how wonderful it is to be straight. If only I could convince them that being gay is OK as long as you don’t go taking confused straight girls and trying to make them into carpet munchers too. I wish I could make Melissa understand that, but she’s too far-gone. The power of the Vagina has control on her as surely as it has a hold on me.
“Hey M, do you think that pussy is addictive?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean do you think it’s possible to stop eating pussy once you’ve started? Is it addictive, like crack or heroin?”
“Hm…I don’t know.” Melissa considered the possibility. “I mean, I’ve known girls who were completely straight until I met them. Some of them came over completely, some of them just got greedy and wanted to fuck men and women. But none of them ever went back. I don’t know if they could if they wanted to. Well, I’ve gotta go. I have a long night head of me.”
“Yeah me too. I’ll seeya later, after the fight ok?” He hugged his friend good bye, and they went they’re separate ways, little realizing that they would meet again in a scant few hours as Cap Het and I.D.