Wednesday, October 29, 2008
"Johnny Taurus wins Rutgers it’s eighth game this season, scoring three touchdowns against Pitt in the 4th quarter."
"Oh my fucking God, It’s Him!"
Jana Garelli, of the Long Island Garellis, ran up to Johnny Taurus, gushing all over the football star. "I just love the way you score all of those touchdowns for our team. I was wondering if I could say thank you for all of Rutgers, and help you score a little more."
Johnny was a little confused. Sure, women creamed their jeans at the thought of him licking them in any way, but this chick was just a little too enthusiastic. After all, it was kind of the point of the game for him to score touchdowns; she was acting like he had just cured cancer.
"My name’s Jana, and I’m your biggest fucking fan. I’ve always wanted to show my appreciation for showing all us lucky girls your big sexy black body in the College Ave. gym when you work out. She pulled him into the womens' locker room.
"Damn girl, you don’t play do you? But the thing is this is the girls…" Johnny was cut short as he felt a pair of soft warm lips suck at his dickhead. This little white bitch (he was at least a foot and a half taller than her) was trying desperately to fit his foot-long into her mouth. She worked his cock with both hands, the effort of jerking off such massive meat showing on her face. But she was determined. Her saliva coated his dick, her hunger was evident. She was going to fill her stomach with hetero-semen or die trying. Of course, she didn’t know she was waxing the knob of Captain Hetero, but she was giving a heroic blow-job anyway. Johnny normally had a lot of stamina for this type of thing, but he could feel his balls getting his load ready to go. She could only fit one of his huge testicles in her palm at a time, and she rubbed them lovingly as her tongue danced along his throbbing vein.
"Damn, I wish all women were as appreciative of sports as you are" he gasped. But breath wasn’t coming easily; the pleasure was so intense he was finding it hard to breathe, hard to do anything but admire the cocksucking this girl was giving him. She then sucked on his balls, a feeling which made him so dizzy he almost fell down; but he wasn’t done yet, and neither was she. She knew that his time was cumming, so she went into her finishing move. She wrapped both hands around his oversized shaft and jacked him off for all she was worth, all the while snaking her tongue around his head and sucking like a Hoover. Johnny had met his match with this one, and he warned Jana, "you might want to get out of the way, this is going to be a big one."
Johnny had given more than one girl whiplash cumming in her mouth. But Jana hung on to his member stubbornly, determined to swallow his precious load. When he couldn’t take it any more, he let fly into her mouth with tremendous pressure. And to her credit, she took it all down, all into her, not spilling a drop…Johnny swayed in and out of consciousness as if his life had left him with his sperm. Jana felt proud but tired…it was hard gulping down all of that hot cum for lunch, but damn it tasted good.
Satisfied, Johnny stared at the young white slut kneeling in front of him. Now, he could just walk out of the bathroom after a good dick sucking and go on with his day…..but he wasn’t done yet. He looked at her… she looked so young and innocent (so he thought; he had no idea what kind of slut he was dealing with). Her Scarlet and Black skirt was too short, showing off her strong and sexy cheerleader’s legs. He pulled her skirt up exposing her black g-string panties. He wondered how many other guys had seen the same panties and fucked the same bald pussy, but this didn’t stop him. His cock was hard again over this little white chick. He couldn’t believe his dick, but he didn’t question it. He bent her over the toilet bowl and grabbed her hips. She had a lot more ass than he was expecting. "It’s the little surprises in life that make life worth living", he thought. He rammed his hard cock into her tight wet pussy… listening to her moan turned him on even more and he reached his hand around to the front of her body and rubbed her clit.
He fucked her hard for awhile until he wanted to change positions. He got up and sat on the toilet (romantic, huh?) and asked her to ride him; how could she say no? She slowly lowered herself onto his hard, wet cock. Bouncing up and down she sucked on his neck, almost biting him; this bitch was a specialized pro. He felt every single sensation of her wet cunt on his black meat. He grabbed her ass and pushed her onto his dick even more…feeling the cum filling his balls again he knew it was almost time. "Ahhhhhhh!!!!" She let out a loud moan and her entire body shook with pleasure. She came and she came hard. He felt her juices drip all over his dick. This made his cock ready to explode and he pulled out, filling her mouth again with his super sperm. All she could do was moan loudly as she swallowed, for she had never been fucked by a black cock with so much power. Johnny was finally spent. He was sweaty and tired as fuck, for he just busted two of the biggest nuts he could ever remember busting. He stood and zipped his pants back up. He didn’t know what to say to this cute white girl that could suck a mean dick except, "Thanks" and "maybe I will see you again!" He walked away and left her to clean up and pull back down her skirt by herself. After all……she was just a cheerleader.
Jana’s stomach felt funny for the rest of the day…not bad, just… full; kind of like when you eat a big lasagna dinner. She was full of cum and satisfied. She tried to find Melissa, but she was nowhere to be found. So she went home, went to dinner with her friends at Brower (but, unsurprisingly ate little), talked some guy on her floor into doing her homework, and went to bed. Don’t believe what anybody says, being a slut is hard work.
Johnny rode his motorcycle over to Livingston. After the game, and his little post-game celebration with the cheerleader, he was pretty tired himself. He was going to be on SportsCenter tonight, and he loved seeing himself on TV. He met up with his friend Calief in front of Tillet. "Whassup dog?." "Nothing…yo, I just got the best head of my life from this white cheerleader in the girls locker room after the game. I hit it after that too…it was pretty nice, she had a big ass for a white girl."
Johnny liked hanging with Calief, there was a lack of Black people on College Ave. that bothered him sometimes. "A-ight, a-ight…yo, you better watch it fuckin with those white girls though…you know what happened to O.J. and Kobe" Johnny shook his head, "If O.J. was with a Black girl, she woulda had her cousins, her brothers and everybody she knew whup his ass. White girls are easier to be with, they do anything for a good Black dick. But you’re right, I haven’t had a sista in…what, three days? Still, a blow job’s a blow job…and this was a damn good one. Trust me, my dick has an appointment with her tonsils again real soon."
That morning Jana woke up feeling like a million bucks. She stretched and hit her head. "Ow, what the fuck?" Jana usually slept in the middle of her bed, and her head was nowhere near the wall, she was only 5' 1" after all. But today she hit her head on the wall. She looked at her toes…they looked farther away than usual. There was a full length mirror in her room, so she got up and looked at herself in it. She wore a little T-shirt and boxers to bed which usually were loose on her. This morning they were a lot tighter, practically splitting at the seams. She looked herself over. She had definitely grown, at least six inches overnight. Her body, which was tight anyway because of cheerleader practice and gymnastics, showed a lot more muscle, and her tits had grown from a B to a DD. "Well, looks like semen does a body a lot more good than milk does."
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
That morning was calm, peaceful, and tranquil. It was the peace that comes from having no semen left in your body, the dehydration that results from having many, many orgasms. They had sent the girls they took home with them back to wherever they had come from. After all, they had served their purpose, and Johnny wanted some alone time with his best friend. Melissa slept in Johnny’s bed. Don’t get any funny ideas, he has a huge bed, and they slept a comfortable (for her) distance from each other. Being a jock at
“M, wake up, time to get up. You’ve got that Queer thing to get ready for. And I have a little job to do for El Presidente Lawrence over on Busch…I’m going to have to find a Cantonese/English dictionary…”
Melissa turned over. She was wearing a shirt that was hers, and a bra that wasn’t. “Johnny, whose bra is this? It isn’t yours is it?” She smiled warmly and arched her back. Johnny watched her bask in the sunlight like a cat.
“No it’s not mine. I think it belonged to one of the girls we did last night…I’m not sure which one though, there were so many. Are you sure that anti-VD serum you came up with will work? I mean, I’m immune to disease, but you…”
“John, I knew good and damn well when I came here that I was going to need more than a dental dam to keep myself from getting herpes at this school. But your right, If I’m going to be I.D. today I have to get into character.”
Melissa took the bus over to Douglass. She was quite right, she did have to get into character. I.D. was all about anger, which Melissa usually had a lot of. But after spending a night with Johnny she felt too good and relaxed to really get excited about shooting anyone. But Melissa had faith in the good people of
Melissa cringed. She hated this girl for so many reasons she couldn’t decide which was her favorite. She considered recruiting Jana, but then she realized that it probably wouldn’t change her personality any. Instead of being an incredibly annoying breeder, she’d be an incredibly annoying lesbian, which could conceivable be worse. “Yeah”, Melissa whispered under her breath, “you’d fuck it up for the rest of us.”
“What did you say? I can’t hear anything since I got this sixth hole in my ear. But it looks so cool doesn’t it? OH! OH! Did you see that awesome fight between Captain Hetero and that skank Iron Dyke? He would have won if she hadn’t cheated. Oh that Cap Het is such a piece of fucking man-meat! I would ride his big, black…”
“OK!” Anyone who was looking might have actually seen the storm cloud forming over Melissa’s head. Even though Jana’s voice excelled at producing high-pitched white-girl noises, there was something else behind Melissa’s anger. Jealousy, perhaps? “I get your point, you like him! Look, if you like him so much why don’t you go be his sidekick.”
A flash of light flickered in Jana’s eyes. At that instant, destiny was changed, or perhaps followed, and Melissa knew that with a few words she had made the absolute biggest mistake of her life. “Hey…do you think he would let me?”
On College Ave., a crowd gathered in front of Brower. On the stage, an impeccably dressed gay man with a slight French accent stood, addressing the crowd. “Ladies and Gentlemen, Queers of all ages, in recent weeks, a hero has emerged from our midst championing the cause of Gays and Lesbians everywhere. Today, we bring you this hero. I present to you, IRON DYKE!” Melissa floated down from the sky in her brand new shiny Iron D armor. It was a prototype and not fully functional yet, but after the trashing her other armor took, it was all she had available. Besides, it looked good, and that was all she’d need for today. “ROCK ON DYKES!” The crowd roared. Breeders scattered. “I just wanted to let everyone know that now that I’m here, no one will ever have to worry about prejudice or gay bashing again. The only bashing that will happen is the bashing of those fuckhead straight males who oppress us. No woman need fear oppression again. Queers in general need not fear anything, because where ever we face discrimination, there will be a Dyke in Shining Armor there to fight for our rights.”
“Not after we kill you here.”
A voice came from nowhere. People looked around, but no one was to be seen; until, they looked up. I.D.’s scanners had already picked up the danger. Ten targets, armed to the teeth, had taken up strategic positions on rooftops around her. “Hey Dyke, remember me?
While he talked, Melissa schemed. “Hm…10 targets. Good thing I finished that new attack move the other night. Computer, upload attack pattern ‘Women’s Scorn’. He’s about to fire. Have to move…”
“Huh?” The distraction couldn’t have come at a worst time. The FRA.T. boys opened up on her. She was hit from every angle by high-energy plasma charges. Melissa didn’t understand…she felt a lot of sharp pains, her armor buckled. She met the sidewalk face first. “But…somebody called me…my real name…who would know…”
“We have to talk Melissa.”
The ghostly voice faded as her consciousness did the same. Melissa saw red…her blood…from her head she guessed…a sticky warmth spread down her chest. “So, this is what it’s like to die…I always thought I’d be more…drunk when I died.”
The F.R.A.T. Boys jumped down onto the steps of Brower, randomly beating people in the crowd. “Listen up all you fuckin fags, and you bull-dykes too. You better crawl back into whatever closet you came out of cuz us F.R.A.T. Boys are gonna make sure you keep your disgusting selves out of us normal people’s faces. You have two choices, either straighten up or get fucked up. Understand?” Ethan pistol-whipped the MC for effect. The well-dressed Frenchman fell hard on the steps, a trickle of blood running down his forehead. “You will never get away with this, someone will rise to stop you”, he spit out defiantly. “Who’s gonna stop me? A sissy like you, or that dead dyke over there?”
Melissa had a fail-safe built into her program that would teleport her back to base should her brain waves cease transmitting. She crackled with energy and disappeared.”
Is this the end of our Lovable Lesbian? How will the Hetero Hero avenge his best friend’s death? You’re going have to wait until next issue to find out. But just so you don’t worry too much, remember. In comic books, how long do superheroes ever stay dead?
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Two heroes sit in a darkened room, a single light hanging above their heads the only illumination. A young man lies on a stretcher. To his right, a young woman sits, her head resting in her hands. Heroes yes, but not right now. Right now, they are just Johnny and Melissa.
“The government created me through advanced bio-genetic hormonal manipulation to combat the Lavender Scare of homosexuality. They wanted me to hurt, maim and kill. I had no problem with that. It was the reasons they wanted me to do it for. Heterosexuality should be preserved, bisexuals must be saved, but homosexuals need not be beaten senseless simply for existing.”
“Yes, homosexuals need not be beaten at all. Straight people, on the other hand, do. All of them, just once. Queers deserve our rightful place of dominance in this world…if for no other reason than we are just cooler than other people. Breeders are so close-minded. Since we’re able to think outside of the normal range of reality, gay people are naturally inclined to have more and better ideas for improving humanity on the whole.” She pulled her knees up into her chest and stared out into space. Johnny could see her eyes, as the light reflected off of her glasses, but he couldn’t help but notice that even in her delusional rage she still exuded a powerful grace from her sleight form.
Johnny shifted uncomfortably. He gave Melissa a look of half amusement and half fear. “You’re serious aren’t you? M, gay people are not better than the rest of us. They aren’t worse either. Maybe a little misguided in their sexual preference, but no worse. The same way men aren’t better than women. We have lots of traits that are superior to women, strength, rationality, self-reliance, and natural leadership potential, but women have their traits too. They’re smarter for one thing and better at problem solving. They can work towards a common goal and promote unity when it is needed.”
Melissa looked at him suspiciously, a flash of anger crossing her face. “See, it’s exactly that type of bullshit that I’m fighting against. Nobody believes that men and women are equal. The reason I beat so many silly frat boys into comas is because they need a lesson in DykePower, which is much stronger than HorsePower of FirePower. Iron Dyke was created to teach the breeders a lesson, that queers are their superiors and Lesbians are the greatest of all. I know that as her I’m a little…aggressive…but that’s what’s needed to make people understand. Otherwise, those stupid-ass fuckheads out there would keep screwing us over and denying us rights and beating us up whenever they feel like it. When you put that suit on, even you’re a different person. You represent that breeder sexually-normative morally-superior attitude that keeps us from having equal rights to you. You’re not the Johnny Taurus I know and love; you’re Captain Hetero, the man I hate. How the fuck am I supposed to reconcile that? What am I gonna do now? It’s all fucked up now.”
Johnny looked at his friend, the love of his life, Melissa. It was her passion, her force of personality that made him love her. He was quiet for a few minutes. He sat up and closed his eyes. “I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do. We are going to teach them that lesson, both of us. The breeders. They can’t do that to gay folk, it’s not right, and I won’t stand for it. No real man stands idly by while injustice runs free, and those who can’t defend themselves have their rights trampled on. But the straight people aren’t the only one’s who need teaching. Feminazi’s, Frat Boys, Fags, Dykes, Cheerleaders, Jocks, Republicans, militant anti-government separatists, girls who don’t swallow, guys who don’t go down, the Klan, the entire cast of High School Musical, Katy Perry…” “Especially Katy Perry.” “Ok, especially Katy Perry, bad Indian bands, renegade Toons, foreign TA’s, and disease-ridden whores will all feel our might. M, from this point on, it’s no more Het against Dyke. It’s us against the world. Standing up for our people, Blacks, Lesbians, Black Lesbians, whoever. We beat whoever needs beating, regardless of their affiliation. We both have enough repressed anger to unleash it on an unsuspecting but increasingly deserving world.. From now on, we Frenzy together!”
Johnny made this announcement and promptly passed out. When he came to again, Melissa was there, offering him some Ramen noodles. “You’re not frenzying on anyone right now big boy. I fucked you up today remember? You’re not strong enough yet. Tonight is vacation for both of us. You trashed my armor pretty good, I have to admit that much. My next armor type will be much stronger once I analyze the battle data.”
“Well, if we’re not fighting, we’re fucking. Let’s get dressed. Pussy. It’s what’s for dinner. You haven’t had a girl in what, two months?”
Melissa turned around slowly. “Actually it’s been four and a half months. What’s it to you? I’ve been busy. Writing the EstroFrenzy Program, fine tuning War Dyke, writing my speech for Queer Appreciation week tomorrow in front of Brower….you know, busy.”
“Come on M, who’re you trying to fool? You haven’t gotten laid because you dress like a colorblind librarian. You cover all your assets up.” Johnny sized up his friend. Melissa was 5’7” 140 lb. She had short blond-ish hair, and a body Johnny dreamed of fucking every other night. “You’ve got nice toned muscles, perfectly shaped 36C breasts, a rock-hard stomach, a little waist, nice round hips, a beautiful ass (and I’m black…a black man knows a good ass) and great legs. Hm…remind me again, why am I not fucking you silly?”
“Because I’m gay, dickshit. Now stop playing, I dress fine. It’s just that girl’s around here don’t have any taste.”
“Yeah, it’s sick how woman these days require their dates to have a sense of style and not wear visually offensive color schemes. Atrocious. This isn’t the most manly thing, but woman, I’m going to dress you. I’m secure enough in my masculinity to do it. To the Mall!”
After a short but fruitful shopping spree, all paid on Melissa’s, Dad’s Black AmEx card, our lovable lesbian was transformed from a fashion unconscious misfit to a passably fashion conscious misfit.
“Check it out. Small, tight tank top; shows of your tit’s, muscles, and most importantly, your tattoo.” Melissa’s tattoo was her pride and joy, an Anvil with a Pink Triangle on it. “The best Dyke Bait ever created. Bare navel; shows off stomach…veerry sexy. Baggy pants hanging off hips…prelude to something great. Teasing is good, remember that M.” Melissa wouldn’t have admitted it, but she was taking mental notes. Everybody can stand to learn a thing or two about dating. “Shoes; Black, Always. The tougher looking the better. Nothing too girly looking. You can get away with a small bit of fashionability in this department, as long as you don’t sacrifice looks for comfort. Shoes are very important…always consult with me before buying shoes.”
Melissa was awed by his knowledge. “How do you know so much about what it takes to get a lesbian?”
“Oh M, M…I am The Man, and the Man always knows what a woman wants, even if what she wants isn’t me. I figure what a girl wants in another chick can’t be too different from what a girl wants in a guy. Two things, looks and money. You show off your body, you show off your wallet, you get pussy. After all, a woman’s a woman, and no woman’s heart is foreign to Captain Hetero.”
Melissa stood up and looked at him with a mix of disgust and awe. It was an emotion she figured she would have to get used to feeling for her friend. They had decided to walk downtown; it was a nice night, the warmth of the day carrying over to the evening. She looked at him, trying not to beam…why did this man alone have her affection when no other could? “Johnny…don’t make me shoot you... more… today….”
You’re probably wondering what happened next. Well, Johnny as usual had his choice of women, and Melisssa was a big hit with the carpet-munching crowd. They picked up a couple of Bi girls and passed them around like a couple of 40’s. Orgasms were plentiful, tension was relieved. But Johnny, once again, was denied the dream of having sex with the women he loved. But, there would be plenty of chances to vent his anger. There were plenty of assholes who could use an ass kicking, especially in
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
[DANGER; NEURALNET SHUT-DOWN RESULTING IN TEMPORARY PARALYSIS]
Melissa knew what her onboard computer was telling her…this was going to hurt.
The Man took his shield in both hands, jumped and brought it down across her face CLANG. He did it again. CLANG. And again. CLANG. At this point the entire crowd had gone quiet. The enormous force of Cap’s blows stunning them into silence. I.D. was on her knees before him. “The way it should be”, he thought. He raised his Black, White, and Red shield high above his head to be brought with great finality down into her neck. But something went wrong. Right before he was about to end her life…maybe it was fate, or luck, or the will to live…she caught it…caught the edge of his shield. The gay folk went wild. Cap’s muscles strained, but he could not finish the act. Melissa pushed her armor to its limit’s. Slowly she got up to one knee. They were at a stalemate; no one could gain an inch on the other. Neither of them would give in either. [DANGER; POWER OUTPUT AT 98% SYSTEM OPERATING AT 30% EFFICIENCY STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY 18% MAXIMUM STRENGTH] “This can’t go on much longer”, Melissa thought, “the armor can’t take the strain I’m putting on it, not after all the damage I’ve taken. Gotta end this fast. Time for the EstroFrenzy. But first I have to end this stalemate. Computer, give me an Air Mine right between us and an Ice Bomb about 10 yards behind him. [DANGER, CLOSE PROXIMITY TO MINE WILL] I know, I know, just do it.” Cap pushed hard back. “I’ve only got enough power left for one more super move…I’m tired and sore and dizzy as all hell. Those air mines have a lingering pain effect I was not expecting. I thought the Raging Bull would have finished her off. Only one thing left now…HeteroFrenzy.” Just as Cap had that thought, one of those nasty little air mines appeared between them, blowing them both backwards. They both got to their feet, after a minute or five. They were hurt, they were tired, but they weren’t going to give up. Not till somebody was dead. Cap noticed he was laying on something hard. He got up and looked at it. “SHIT!” He had just enough time before I.D. was able to detonate it to get his guard up. There was a bright white flash and then ice everywhere. He was fine, but his shield was frozen solid. “That’s it, I’m about to lay the smack-down on your candy-ass. Game over woman.” “That frozen shield won’t stop a paper airplane now. Time to fucking die you breeder bastard…”
Super Final Attack EEEEEEESTROOOOFRENZYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
“Super Special Final Technique HETEROOOOOOOOFRENZYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
Cap threw his shield with every bit of strength in his body. I.D. clasped her hand together in front of her. A large arc of electricity started to buzz between the barrels of her shoulder-mounted guns to her fists, forming, oddly enough, a triangle. When the electricity had built to a sufficiently lethal voltage, she released it at Cap. The projectiles sailed past each other, each finding their mark. Cap’s shield crashed into I.D.’s forehead, shattering on impact. The little pieces of frozen metal hit the ground after I.D. did. The pieces of male symbol that had adorned his shield fell about her prone form. Cap started running to finish off his move, straight into the stun bolt. He stood there, writhing in agony as 500,000 volts of electricity surged through his body. It is at this point that ID. would have completed the EstroFrenzy, if she wasn’t unconscious. After the shock had spent itself, Cap fell…the last thing he saw before his consciousness took a coffee break, was I.D. laid out across the field. “Ha”, he thought with slight amusement, “we beat each other. Just proves what I’ve been saying all along. Women aren’t better than men…we’re just about even. Different but even…” After a few moments, both of their unconscious bodies crackled with energy, and disappeared.
The crowd…well…they were, quite frankly…confused. “So, who won?” a random fag was heard to say. “I don’t know”, some breeder from Livingston said, “this was it. This was supposed to be it, the fight to prove who was better, men or women. But they beat each other. Could this mean that men and women are really equal, and that this whole battle of the sex’s thing is a waste of time and we should really all just be working together to form a better world, is that what all of this could mean?” This idea was passed along through the spectators. Each and every person present seemed to give the concept deep thought for a moment. Then, as has happened repeatedly in the course of human events, they all collectively missed the point entirely. “Nah. Man, boys rule, girls drool.” “Fuck you asshole, my friend Bertha here will show you how a real dyke fights.” Just before another brawl broke out, the FR.A.T. boys and Amazon Warriors rushed the field, finding no Iron Dyke and no Captain Hetero. They looked around, looked at each other, scowled menacingly, and left. A fight for another day. The crowd was, quite understandably, even more horribly confused.
A few hours later, Johnny woke up. He was lying on a stretcher in a dimly lit room. All he could make out was machinery everywhere. “How are you feeling?” “My head feels like there’s bad Indian band playing ‘Staying Alive’ behind my eyes. Who’s there?” His mask was off, some of his suit was burnt and ripped, and some of him was burned and ripped. “Most of your wounds have healed already. Amazing really…I’ve treated your burns and the frostbite on your fingers. I hope I can fix my armor before my public appearance on College Ave. for Queer Appreciation Week.” The voice stepped into the light…it was Melissa. “So, you’re Captain Hetero. Ain’t that a bitch.” “Melissa? You’re Iron Dyke? Fuck me, why didn’t I figure that out sooner.” “Yeah”, she said, “that’s me, the Dyke of Steel. And you’re The Man. And we’re best friends, and they’re mortal enemies. Where do we go from here Johnny? What happens now?”
“Now, we do what we should have done a long time ago. We talk.”
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
"So…we meet at last Iron Dyke. I have to admit, your work is impressive."
"Captain Hetero. Yeah, if nothing else, I have to say I’m approve of your methods. You do deliver a good beating. But your short, brilliant career is about to come to an explosive finish. Your the embodiment of everything I hate. Everything I fight against. You just gotta go. ROCK ON DYKES! This one’s for you!"
"Yeah well, beyond the fact that you represent my strongest competition for winning bisexual chicks back to the right team, I don’t have anything against you either. But I can’t let you go around trying to prove that women are better than men. Playtime’s over little girl, daddy’s home."
I.D. started by trying to fight Cap in hand to hand. This didn’t go on for too long. Cap proved to be far superior to her at fighting hand to hand. She ran every martial arts program she had through her hand-to-hand attack plan that she had. Wu-Shu, Thai Kickboxing, Shotokan Karate; whatever she tried he was better at it than she was. For every punch she threw she took three to the head. The armor absorbed the blows to a degree, but she soon realized it’d be a quick loss for her if things went on this way. So she did what any self-respecting lesbian would do. She resorted to guns…Big guns.
"Iron Dyke Armor version 2, WAR DYKE!"
It was quiet at first in front of the old Chapel. Lesbians, gay men, and all manner of gay folk gathered early. They were a good distance from the action, but they were there in force. When I.D. floated down from the sky, the crowd went wild. Queens danced, Dykes high-fived. A good deal of the straight community of Rutgers showed too. There was bus after bus of straight folk arriving, crowding the streets, waiting for The Man. Soon enough he came, rode up on his Cycle and strode confidently up to I.D. The crowds fell silent. A cool breeze blew on an unseasonably warm afternoon. The sun streamed through the leaves. They stared intently at each other for an eternal few seconds. Then, Melissa noticed something…
Right forearm, small machine gun; Left forearm, grenade launcher; Right shoulder, SolarShock tm Laser; Left Shoulder, 35 mm explosive round rotating cannon, And in the middle of her chest, the Pink Triangle Plasma Blaster. "Oh shit", Cap thought, "so this is War Dyke. I was wondering when she was going to stop playing around and get serious." This is where Cap’s shield proves its worth. She took some random potshots at him with her guns, and he blocked most of them. He dodged, back flipped, and tried to evade the bigger stuff like the laser and grenade launcher. Cap decided the best way to avoid getting shot was to make her be over-aggressive. "Not too hard to do", he thought. He sprinted for George Street at superhuman speed, hopped the fence, and headed for the parking deck. War Dyke continued to fire at him, but hit nothing but ground. "Shit, why is he so fucking fast?" She flew over to the parking deck, searching but not finding Cap. She did however find a car owned by a non-Douglass student, which she fired a grenade into. "That’s a lot more effective than a parking ticket", she smiled to herself. "This is fun", she thought, "the hunt, the chase…" She let her mind wander as she flew to the top level of the deck. A few seconds later her scanners found Cap, running right at her. He dived off the roof smashing into her chest. About halfway down she recovered from his hit, grabbed him, spun and threw him off of her to the ground. Johnny hit the ground, rolled a couple of times, and sprang to his feet. He had to because almost before he hit the ground War Dyke started unload her guns at the spot where he would land. He took a few shots, but was still unhurt. "OK, OK", he thought, "time for new tactics. Need more cover."
He took off again, War Dyke close on his heels the whole time, and got to the field with the nice peaceful little duck pond. At least it was peaceful until a stray grenade blasted all of the poor duckies into pate. Eventually, he managed to get her to shoot at him while he was standing in front of a tree. She blew the trunk away, and just managed to evade the falling tree. "Here’s my opening." Cap closed the distance between them pretty fast and thought that the fight was soon to be over, when he received a little surprise. "Air Mines!" Cap sprinted straight into a little gray ball that appeared, hovering before him. "What the hell…" BOOM! The mine exploded in his face, sending him flying towards another one, which exploded him towards another one. This went on, pinballing him from mine to mine another 4 times. "Oww…tricky bitch! That hurt!" Melissa smiled beneath her mask. "What’s the matter? Men are such pussies, can’t stand a little pain. Well, let’s see how you handle a lot of pain. War Dyke Super Attack, BUTCH BLITZ!" Cap was not prepared for what happened next. All he could do was hide behind his shield and hope this assault ended before he did. I.D. opened up with all of her guns in a destructive chorus; the staccato machine guns, the base of the grenades, the loud riff of laser, culminating in what everybody came to see, the coup de grace.
"Hm…I think she’s almost done…the shots are coming less frequently…but I’m not finished yet…what’s she up to…" Then he got his answer in the form of a blinding pink light followed by intense heat. "Get ready to fry boy, PINK TRIANGLE BLASTEEEEERR!!!" The plasma stream was enormous. Fortunately, the crowd was far away from the fight, or hundreds would have died. The pink aura of power that emanated from her symbol of Lesbian Power could be seen as far away as Scotch Plains. When it was over, a large part of the field had been seriously scorched. And there was no sign of Captain Hetero. Not even his shield. "Hah, that did it. It was fun, but the outcome was inevitable." Unknown to most, Melissa had a flare for working a crowd. She slowly turned to the assembled masses, raised her fist and yelled "ROCK ON DYKES!" Her fans went apeshit, and the Hetero supporters fell silent. Was he really dead?
General Mann was watching all of this from a helicopter high overhead. Hm…stupid bitch thinks she’s won. I personally oversaw his creation…he doesn’t go down that easily. FR.A.T. team 1, stand by. When the fight’s really over, take down whoever is left standing…Hard.
Ironically enough, another person was at that moment giving the same order. "Amazons…if the Iron clad one cannot win this fight, we must destroy the menace Captain Hetero. With the help of the goddess Pia Messa, we will be victorious. As your Estro, I promise you that. And Estro Geena always keeps her word.’ (Don’t worry, I’ll translate all that later-John) Twenty amazon warriors armed to the teeth were hell bent on ripping Captain Hetero to shreds should he win the fight. Twenty FR.A.T. boys stood ready to pulverize Iron Dyke should she actually succeed in beating Cap Het. Ever have one of those days where it’s like you just can’t win no matter what you do?
Cap breathed hard in the tree he was hiding in. He had to push his body to its limits and use his Adrenaline Rush super move to get out of the way of the beam in time. He needed a minute to let his body recover. But he wasn’t done yet, not by a long shot. "Ok Dyke, you can have your fifteen minutes in the sun. But I know-something You don’t-know. I’m not dead yet…too bad for you."
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Captain Hetero reads the Medium. “Hm…according to this I’ve been treating my white girls all wrong. I kinda knew to not leave them alone too long though. Some of those sorority sluts are easier than first grade math. Oh, there you are M.” Johnny Taurus was eating lunch in the Busch dining hall when his best friend, Melissa O’ Hare joined him. “What took you so long?” “It was that crazy Haitian bus driver who drives the A bus over here”, she said, “she was playin some reggae music really loud and kept missing bus stops. So we had to swing around in these insane U-turns to pick people up. It was nuts. So, how did your dates go the other night?”
“Oh, it was alright. I figured out that Asian girls go best with butterscotch. I was thinking that when eating out Indian girls…I don’t know, what do you think, coffee?”
“Johnny, I don’t know what is this thing you have with mixing sex and food. I guess it’s because you’re a guy. If you were a lesbian like me you’d know that all you need is your tongue, a few fingers, and the occasional strap-on. But I’m not so much into that. Besides, you don’t need to put anything on Indian pussy…it’s already naturally spicy from the curry. I was eating out this one girl Nita…I had to keep a glass of water near the bed. Her clit tasted like curry. So what’re you doing tonight? I was thinking of staying home and watching Iron Dyke kick Captain Hetero’s ass.”
“Hm, that’s interesting, because I’m almost positive that Cap Het is going to completely embarrass her tonight. I don’t think that some pissed off dyke in cheesy armor can beat The Man. He’s just too strong, too fast, and too good to let her beat him. It’s a matter of pride…no real man could accept losing to a girl.”
“Well, I hope he handles losing well, cuz he is going to experience the biggest defeat of his life. In fact, everyone will know because I think she’s gonna beat his sorry ass from Douglass to Livingston so that everyone will se how TRULY FUCKING PATHETIC MEN REALLY ARE!!!”
“Umm, M, maybe you should calm down a little…people are staring and you’re upsetting the Asians.”
“What do they care? It’s not like I’m yelling in Mandarin or something. You know I had a thought the other day. I don’t see why more Asians aren’t bi. I mean look at them…most of the time it’s really hard to tell the boys from the girls. After a while they’ve got to realize what it means when they’re attracted to people with the same body types as their own sex possesses. Homosexuality isn’t that far behind.”
Johnny looked at her for a looong time.
You’re wrong you know that? There is just so much about you that is so very, very wrong.”
Meanwhile, across town, plans are being made for after the fight. A shadowy figure, General Mann, addresses his first recruit. Evan Ridge floats in a greenish solution, a futuristic headset beaming orders directly into his cerebral cortex. “These Fraternity boys are the perfect cannon fodder for our mission. These Greek societies erase any traces of individuality and free will their members may have had. They place an emphasis on all that macho posturing, sexist bullshit we teach them, and they aren’t too much into books. Big, dumb and ready to fight. And we don’t have to do a blessed thing but sit back and watch these suckers pledge. After that, it’s a small jump to working for us. Hopefully, recruiting will be as good in the Sigma Lambda Theta sorority as it is in the Delta Iota Kappa frat. We’ll have so many FR.A.T.’s (Front-line Assault Troops) and S.L.U.T.’s (Super-Light Undercover Troops) that those two renegade super-powered freaks won’t know what hit them. All reports and intelligence has come to the conclusion that Iron Dyke will win by a narrow margin. When the fight’s over, she’ll be greatly weakened though. That’s where you come in Evan my boy. You’ll lead the first wave of FR.A.T.’s against the Iron Dyke. Disable her, but don’t kill her. I want her technology for the Pentagon.”
General Mann’s orders were translated into sound and light waves and were beamed into Evan’s brain. As he floated in his re-education tank, everything he would need to know about how to kill maim and destroy was burned into his frontal lobe. The day of the FR.A.T. boy was at hand.
“Oh, and did you hear about the new gym we’re getting on Douglass?” Melissa had stopped complaining about the food just long enough to talk about something else for a change. “It’s being funded entirely by some Multinational company based out of Brazil, the Athena Corporation I think they’re called. Apparently the whole Board of Directors is female. My kind of company. I hope they’re hiring, I’d love to work in a place like that. And they should want to have me…I am the best Robotics designer in this hemisphere.”
“And modest too.”
“Nothing.” Johnny’s mind started to drift to the evening’s activities. He had noticed a buzz, an electricity in the air on every campus. Straight people, male and female, we’re assembling on Douglass to cheer him on. Lesbians, Gay men, and everyone in between were also there to watch Iron Dyke take out the embodiment of everything they felt oppressed them. If only they knew how wonderful it is to be straight. If only I could convince them that being gay is OK as long as you don’t go taking confused straight girls and trying to make them into carpet munchers too. I wish I could make Melissa understand that, but she’s too far-gone. The power of the Vagina has control on her as surely as it has a hold on me.
“Hey M, do you think that pussy is addictive?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean do you think it’s possible to stop eating pussy once you’ve started? Is it addictive, like crack or heroin?”
“Hm…I don’t know.” Melissa considered the possibility. “I mean, I’ve known girls who were completely straight until I met them. Some of them came over completely, some of them just got greedy and wanted to fuck men and women. But none of them ever went back. I don’t know if they could if they wanted to. Well, I’ve gotta go. I have a long night head of me.”
“Yeah me too. I’ll seeya later, after the fight ok?” He hugged his friend good bye, and they went they’re separate ways, little realizing that they would meet again in a scant few hours as Cap Het and I.D.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Mild-mannered Rutgers student Johnny Taurus spends his days chasing women, making friends, going to class, playing football DIV 1 football, and basically ruling Rutgers College. But when the Lavender Scourge of homosexuality rears its ugly head, he dons the uniform of Heterosexuality, picks up his near-indestructible shield, and sets out to protect the values of straight people everywhere. This dark skinned, African American, all-muscle fighting machine is the Perfect Heterosexual Man, my friend CAPTAIN HETERO!
It was a Saturday night like any other. I had just won tonight’s game against
Yes, football, porno and a street fight. The night just kept getting better. Little did the poor mentally deficient Frat boys know that in five minutes they were to battle with their idol Captain Hetero. And lose. Badly. Eight Frat boys and one 6’ 4" Hetero Hero squared off outside. I didn’t have my shield and costume with me, but my boundless love of violence was still there. So, I went at it. Many overconfident Frat boys fell that night to the might of Cap Het. "Good fight boys, though you didn’t really have a chance. Actually, it wasn’t even really a good fight either. It was really disappointing on all counts. C’mon girls, I hope you put on a better show than yer pals back there. Oh and nobody here is camera shy, right?"
The decimated Frat boys lay scattered across
I drove the girls back to my dorm room in
Millionaire Melissa O’Hare is your average brilliant scientist, robotics expert, pissed-off, horny, way-out-of-the-closet-lesbian
Men. The very idea. Tragically overrated, useless, pathetic, worthless males. They are there...they’ve always been there. They shouldn’t be. They should be kept in cages, relegated to the most menial jobs imaginable. They should be chained and required to have licenses to be out in public, like the dogs that they are. They don’t even count as being humans, no matter what genetics says. Since recorded time men have used their greater size and strength to dominate womyn. Because of our inherent sensitivity and goodness we were unable to respond to their primitive brutality with the same. This changes now. They’re usefulness has come to an end. Science has saved the Womyn of this world. When I’ve built my own robotics company, I will mass produce I.D. units and distribute them to womyn everywhere. We have found ways to produce humans without the men. My plan is to hook them up to machines making their entire purpose in life to produce sperm, and nothing else. Maybe I’ll let the few live, as personal slaves to womyn. It is nothing more than what they have done to us throughout time. Rather than using metal chains they chain us down with domesticity and the responsibility of raising their evil male seeds. Sure, we also raise our young womyn as well, but what lone womyn could possibly undo the systematic brainwashing that the male establishment forces on our superior female children each and every moment of our lives. The media enforces unrealistic body images and gender roles on our defenseless prodigy knowing that it is impossible to concentrate on math if your fixing your hair and wearing uncomfortable shoes that "look good". It is very difficult to learn chemistry if your preoccupied with some idiotic male that you’ve been told to believe is "cute". Fortunately I escaped that cycle to become the proud lesbian that I am today…a True Womyn. A large portion of the females today have been brainwashed into believing that they are actually attracted to the males, and that they need men for...sex of all things. It’s not true. Lesbians such as myself know the truth. A woman can satisfy another woman far better than any penis-packing male could even dream of. Through my efforts and the efforts of countless other lesbians and bisexual secret agents, we’re spreading the word. The average female tongue is worth 20 well trained penises. A depressing number of womyn today are unaware of this fact. But I’m gonna change that.
The only language that men truly understand is violence, a language I am fluent in. Being a smarter than average womyn, I’m 30 times smarter than any man. I’ve created the ultimate womyn to man language translator. It is the ultimate offensive machine. It’s the most brutal weapon of mass destruction the world has ever know. It will have the men shaking uncontrollably in abject fear of it’s raw power. This is all they understand...violence; bloodshed; pain; anger; misery...it is all they contribute to society, it’s all they know. So it’s really the only solution. The final solution…total, male enslavement. But not yet. There is still much to consider. Men must be supplanted subtly until my plan is fully executed. And for that I need help. But that’s for later. For now I must become a hero…I must become foremost in the hearts and minds of people everywhere. Iron Dyke must be loved and feared, worshipped and respected. Once Iron Dyke has been elevated to the rank of Demagogue, I will raise armies of females and take over
It was a hot September afternoon. I was leaving my headquarters on
Out of nowhere comes this huge fucking…male. He says something about feeling her slipping towards the dark side, and "all the education you need is a lesson in how to love dick." She gets all starry-eyed and goes off with him. He stole her from me…now I hear she’s dating some stupid-ass, mother-fucking, football playing male. And now she says that her lesbianism was "just a phase". A good lesbian, lost to the breeders…to that…that fuckhead Captain Hetero. With his cheesy black and brown outfit and that stupid-ass shield. This could not be allowed to continue…something had to be done…blood must be shed…men had to die…
And that’s how it all started. Exactly 2 months ago I got the idea for Iron Dyke, the Dyke of Steel. And things where going well. I was doing minor heroic things, stopping major crimes, killing a lot of fuckers who deserved it, that sort of thing. I’d already cultivated a rabidly loyal lesbian following, and the I.D. merchandising line was experiencing phenomenal sales. I decided that I should keep I.D. a secret. I did let my best friend Johnny Taurus (the only male who’s company I like) know exactly how I felt about Iron Dyke and Captain Hetero though. He was pretty supportive. He said that there were some guys who deserved to get blown away, but that I should go easy on Captain Hetero…he might even be a friend to I.D. if she gave him a chance. I thought he was full of shit at first. But eventually I found out that, as always, he was right. I hate that about him.
I decided that I need a little publicity boost. So I used my lasers to burn "Pussy is Perfect" and "Rock on Dykes" in the road right in front of the