Monday, March 31, 2008

The Hetero Hero

Mild-mannered Rutgers student Johnny Taurus spends his days chasing women, making friends, going to class, playing football DIV 1 football, and basically ruling Rutgers College. But when the Lavender Scourge of homosexuality rears its ugly head, he dons the uniform of Heterosexuality, picks up his near-indestructible shield, and sets out to protect the values of straight people everywhere. This dark skinned, African American, all-muscle fighting machine is the Perfect Heterosexual Man, my friend CAPTAIN HETERO!

It was a Saturday night like any other. I had just won tonight’s game against Syracuse for us, again, and was going to the Melody Bar to celebrate. Sure I’m not old enough to get in, but…I’m me. I scanned the crowd… which lucky girl would receive the ultimate honor of getting to suck me off tonight. Oh why be selfish, I’m kinda horny, which four girls will get the honor of servicing me tonight? I think I’m in the mood for ice cream tonight. I’ll get Chocolate, French Vanilla, a Butta-Pecan Rican…yes, and an Asian girl for variety. Hm…what flavor are Asian girls? I guess I’ll find out tonight. Ten minutes later Johnny had a Black girl, an Asian girl, and a Puerto Rican girl all flirting heavily with him. "Yes, nothing better after a good football game than some porn…especially when I’m the star. Now all I need is a white girl to complete my collection." Johnny spotted a perfect white girl with big tits, a little waist, and she even had an ass…not enough for him, but his black and Spanish girls had more than enough ass to compensate. But there was something in his way…a Frat boy. "Excuse me friend", I said, "This one’s coming with me…in all senses of the word. I’m sure you can find another girl." But he refused to acquiesce. "Back off bro, this bitch’s mine. I saw her first." I didn’t take this well at all. Sure, women where to be used primarily for sexual pleasure, but there was no reason to be disrespectful towards them. I saw that the girl was giving me that "Fuck me now you big black beast you" look I see so much. "I’m only gonna say this one more time." I glared down at the poor drunken little white boy. "Back off or get your shit kicked." But still the silly Frat boy persisted. "Tell you what", I said, "you meet me outside in five minutes, and bring all of your little sissy brothers with you. Winner gets the girl."

Yes, football, porno and a street fight. The night just kept getting better. Little did the poor mentally deficient Frat boys know that in five minutes they were to battle with their idol Captain Hetero. And lose. Badly. Eight Frat boys and one 6’ 4" Hetero Hero squared off outside. I didn’t have my shield and costume with me, but my boundless love of violence was still there. So, I went at it. Many overconfident Frat boys fell that night to the might of Cap Het. "Good fight boys, though you didn’t really have a chance. Actually, it wasn’t even really a good fight either. It was really disappointing on all counts. C’mon girls, I hope you put on a better show than yer pals back there. Oh and nobody here is camera shy, right?"

The decimated Frat boys lay scattered across French street. Ethan Ridge, the start of all this mess, slowly got to his feet. "Fucking bastard…I’ll make him pay. This is the second time this week one of those super-freaks has beat me up. First that bitch Iron Dyke, now this." A shadowy figure approached Ethan as he got to his feet. This was not surprising as lots of shgadowny figures skuled about the streets of New Brunswick at this time of night. The difference was this shadowy figure happened to be a 5-star general. "Son, I think you might need my help. The name’s General Mann. And from now on, I’m gonna be your best friend."

I drove the girls back to my dorm room in Easton Ave apartments in my new Rutgers-paid for Mustang GT. As I drove past the College Ave. student center, I stopped and looked at the road. "Rock on Dykes! Love, I.D." was burned into the street. "Something’s going to have to be done about that woman", Johnny thought, "and soon. And I’m just the Man to do it."

The Dyke of Steel

Millionaire Melissa O’Hare is your average brilliant scientist, robotics expert, pissed-off, horny, way-out-of-the-closet-lesbian Douglass College student. But when the forces of evil men encroach on her ability to get laid, she puts on the battle armor of the Dyke of Steel, the Iron Dyke battle suit. With, lasers, machine guns, rockets, cannons and grenade launchers at her command, all men in the area better run and hide when she comes around. I proudly present the story of one of my dear friends… IRON DYKE!

Men. The very idea. Tragically overrated, useless, pathetic, worthless males. They are there...they’ve always been there. They shouldn’t be. They should be kept in cages, relegated to the most menial jobs imaginable. They should be chained and required to have licenses to be out in public, like the dogs that they are. They don’t even count as being humans, no matter what genetics says. Since recorded time men have used their greater size and strength to dominate womyn. Because of our inherent sensitivity and goodness we were unable to respond to their primitive brutality with the same. This changes now. They’re usefulness has come to an end. Science has saved the Womyn of this world. When I’ve built my own robotics company, I will mass produce I.D. units and distribute them to womyn everywhere. We have found ways to produce humans without the men. My plan is to hook them up to machines making their entire purpose in life to produce sperm, and nothing else. Maybe I’ll let the few live, as personal slaves to womyn. It is nothing more than what they have done to us throughout time. Rather than using metal chains they chain us down with domesticity and the responsibility of raising their evil male seeds. Sure, we also raise our young womyn as well, but what lone womyn could possibly undo the systematic brainwashing that the male establishment forces on our superior female children each and every moment of our lives. The media enforces unrealistic body images and gender roles on our defenseless prodigy knowing that it is impossible to concentrate on math if your fixing your hair and wearing uncomfortable shoes that "look good". It is very difficult to learn chemistry if your preoccupied with some idiotic male that you’ve been told to believe is "cute". Fortunately I escaped that cycle to become the proud lesbian that I am today…a True Womyn. A large portion of the females today have been brainwashed into believing that they are actually attracted to the males, and that they need men of all things. It’s not true. Lesbians such as myself know the truth. A woman can satisfy another woman far better than any penis-packing male could even dream of. Through my efforts and the efforts of countless other lesbians and bisexual secret agents, we’re spreading the word. The average female tongue is worth 20 well trained penises. A depressing number of womyn today are unaware of this fact. But I’m gonna change that.

The only language that men truly understand is violence, a language I am fluent in. Being a smarter than average womyn, I’m 30 times smarter than any man. I’ve created the ultimate womyn to man language translator. It is the ultimate offensive machine. It’s the most brutal weapon of mass destruction the world has ever know. It will have the men shaking uncontrollably in abject fear of it’s raw power. This is all they understand...violence; bloodshed; pain; anger; is all they contribute to society, it’s all they know. So it’s really the only solution. The final solution…total, male enslavement. But not yet. There is still much to consider. Men must be supplanted subtly until my plan is fully executed. And for that I need help. But that’s for later. For now I must become a hero…I must become foremost in the hearts and minds of people everywhere. Iron Dyke must be loved and feared, worshipped and respected. Once Iron Dyke has been elevated to the rank of Demagogue, I will raise armies of females and take over America with an army of I.D. armored womyn. From there, I will set free womyn of the world, and they will all…ALL…love me, for I will be their leader. It is for these reasons that one night, I planned and I developed and I built The Instrument of War, the Savior of Womynkind, The Greatest Machine of Vengeance the world has ever know. Prepare yourselves Men…It’s time for a new Iron Age. Iron Dyke’s Age.

It was a hot September afternoon. I was leaving my headquarters on Douglas when I spotted this girl I know, Sandra. She was in my mythology class. She was writing a paper on Sapho. She was as gay as I am….but she didn’t know it yet. She needed a little convincing…she said she was bi. I’d soon change that though. That night I was going to help her with her math class. That night she was coming back to my room. That night she was getting the most thorough tongue-fucking she ever had. At least, she would have if HE hadn’t come along.

Out of nowhere comes this huge fucking…male. He says something about feeling her slipping towards the dark side, and "all the education you need is a lesson in how to love dick." She gets all starry-eyed and goes off with him. He stole her from me…now I hear she’s dating some stupid-ass, mother-fucking, football playing male. And now she says that her lesbianism was "just a phase". A good lesbian, lost to the breeders…to that…that fuckhead Captain Hetero. With his cheesy black and brown outfit and that stupid-ass shield. This could not be allowed to continue…something had to be done…blood must be shed…men had to die…

And that’s how it all started. Exactly 2 months ago I got the idea for Iron Dyke, the Dyke of Steel. And things where going well. I was doing minor heroic things, stopping major crimes, killing a lot of fuckers who deserved it, that sort of thing. I’d already cultivated a rabidly loyal lesbian following, and the I.D. merchandising line was experiencing phenomenal sales. I decided that I should keep I.D. a secret. I did let my best friend Johnny Taurus (the only male who’s company I like) know exactly how I felt about Iron Dyke and Captain Hetero though. He was pretty supportive. He said that there were some guys who deserved to get blown away, but that I should go easy on Captain Hetero…he might even be a friend to I.D. if she gave him a chance. I thought he was full of shit at first. But eventually I found out that, as always, he was right. I hate that about him.

I decided that I need a little publicity boost. So I used my lasers to burn "Pussy is Perfect" and "Rock on Dykes" in the road right in front of the College Ave. student center. Love, Iron Dyke. Heh, that should get that freak Cap Het’s attention. This ought to piss him off enough to come for me. Bring him to my land, Douglass. In enemy territory, surrounded by hostile bull-dykes, there’s no way I can lose. Then every vagina at Rutgers will be mine. There will be an endless line of womyn begging to taste my pussy. Here my army will begin. An army of Iron Dykes. But for now, there’s a sorority slut waiting for me at Alexander. I figure by midnight we should be finished studying…by 1230 her tongue should be naively but eagerly exploring my beautiful pussy…and by 2 she will have forgotten all about penises. Another night, another convert…