Iron Dyke was basking in the glory of her victory, soaking up the adoration of her adoring gay folk. It was a good day, defeating the embodiment of heterosexual superiority. Her good day would have continued if only she’d turned around a second sooner. “Straight Shooter!” Cap lunged out of the tree he was hiding in, shield first into I.D.’s shoulder. This stunned her enough for him to press his advantage. He tucked and rolled, and came back at her holding his shield straps so that the knuckles of his right fist were pressed up against the back of it. “This ends now bitch. SUPER ATTACK, RAGING BULL!” He smashed his fist into her chest. It sounded like a hammer on an anvil, the clang echoing off of far-off buildings. When he pulled back, the Pink Triangle was shattered, destroyed.
[DANGER; NEURALNET SHUT-DOWN RESULTING IN TEMPORARY PARALYSIS]
Melissa knew what her onboard computer was telling her…this was going to hurt.
The Man took his shield in both hands, jumped and brought it down across her face CLANG. He did it again. CLANG. And again. CLANG. At this point the entire crowd had gone quiet. The enormous force of Cap’s blows stunning them into silence. I.D. was on her knees before him. “The way it should be”, he thought. He raised his Black, White, and Red shield high above his head to be brought with great finality down into her neck. But something went wrong. Right before he was about to end her life…maybe it was fate, or luck, or the will to live…she caught it…caught the edge of his shield. The gay folk went wild. Cap’s muscles strained, but he could not finish the act. Melissa pushed her armor to its limit’s. Slowly she got up to one knee. They were at a stalemate; no one could gain an inch on the other. Neither of them would give in either. [DANGER; POWER OUTPUT AT 98% SYSTEM OPERATING AT 30% EFFICIENCY STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY 18% MAXIMUM STRENGTH] “This can’t go on much longer”, Melissa thought, “the armor can’t take the strain I’m putting on it, not after all the damage I’ve taken. Gotta end this fast. Time for the EstroFrenzy. But first I have to end this stalemate. Computer, give me an Air Mine right between us and an Ice Bomb about 10 yards behind him. [DANGER, CLOSE PROXIMITY TO MINE WILL] I know, I know, just do it.” Cap pushed hard back. “I’ve only got enough power left for one more super move…I’m tired and sore and dizzy as all hell. Those air mines have a lingering pain effect I was not expecting. I thought the Raging Bull would have finished her off. Only one thing left now…HeteroFrenzy.” Just as Cap had that thought, one of those nasty little air mines appeared between them, blowing them both backwards. They both got to their feet, after a minute or five. They were hurt, they were tired, but they weren’t going to give up. Not till somebody was dead. Cap noticed he was laying on something hard. He got up and looked at it. “SHIT!” He had just enough time before I.D. was able to detonate it to get his guard up. There was a bright white flash and then ice everywhere. He was fine, but his shield was frozen solid. “That’s it, I’m about to lay the smack-down on your candy-ass. Game over woman.” “That frozen shield won’t stop a paper airplane now. Time to fucking die you breeder bastard…”
Super Final Attack EEEEEEESTROOOOFRENZYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
“Super Special Final Technique HETEROOOOOOOOFRENZYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
Cap threw his shield with every bit of strength in his body. I.D. clasped her hand together in front of her. A large arc of electricity started to buzz between the barrels of her shoulder-mounted guns to her fists, forming, oddly enough, a triangle. When the electricity had built to a sufficiently lethal voltage, she released it at Cap. The projectiles sailed past each other, each finding their mark. Cap’s shield crashed into I.D.’s forehead, shattering on impact. The little pieces of frozen metal hit the ground after I.D. did. The pieces of male symbol that had adorned his shield fell about her prone form. Cap started running to finish off his move, straight into the stun bolt. He stood there, writhing in agony as 500,000 volts of electricity surged through his body. It is at this point that ID. would have completed the EstroFrenzy, if she wasn’t unconscious. After the shock had spent itself, Cap fell…the last thing he saw before his consciousness took a coffee break, was I.D. laid out across the field. “Ha”, he thought with slight amusement, “we beat each other. Just proves what I’ve been saying all along. Women aren’t better than men…we’re just about even. Different but even…” After a few moments, both of their unconscious bodies crackled with energy, and disappeared.
The crowd…well…they were, quite frankly…confused. “So, who won?” a random fag was heard to say. “I don’t know”, some breeder from Livingston said, “this was it. This was supposed to be it, the fight to prove who was better, men or women. But they beat each other. Could this mean that men and women are really equal, and that this whole battle of the sex’s thing is a waste of time and we should really all just be working together to form a better world, is that what all of this could mean?” This idea was passed along through the spectators. Each and every person present seemed to give the concept deep thought for a moment. Then, as has happened repeatedly in the course of human events, they all collectively missed the point entirely. “Nah. Man, boys rule, girls drool.” “Fuck you asshole, my friend Bertha here will show you how a real dyke fights.” Just before another brawl broke out, the FR.A.T. boys and Amazon Warriors rushed the field, finding no Iron Dyke and no Captain Hetero. They looked around, looked at each other, scowled menacingly, and left. A fight for another day. The crowd was, quite understandably, even more horribly confused.
A few hours later, Johnny woke up. He was lying on a stretcher in a dimly lit room. All he could make out was machinery everywhere. “How are you feeling?” “My head feels like there’s bad Indian band playing ‘Staying Alive’ behind my eyes. Who’s there?” His mask was off, some of his suit was burnt and ripped, and some of him was burned and ripped. “Most of your wounds have healed already. Amazing really…I’ve treated your burns and the frostbite on your fingers. I hope I can fix my armor before my public appearance on College Ave. for Queer Appreciation Week.” The voice stepped into the light…it was Melissa. “So, you’re Captain Hetero. Ain’t that a bitch.” “Melissa? You’re Iron Dyke? Fuck me, why didn’t I figure that out sooner.” “Yeah”, she said, “that’s me, the Dyke of Steel. And you’re The Man. And we’re best friends, and they’re mortal enemies. Where do we go from here Johnny? What happens now?”
“Now, we do what we should have done a long time ago. We talk.”