Thursday, March 12, 2015
Non-productive Comedy Show 03/12/15
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Chapter 8 - The Heart of Busch
“I love the smell of Hello Kitty in the morning.” The B bus drops me off in front of the Busch student center…a seedier dive has never scarred the face of Mother Earth. Pharmacy and Chem majors strapped for cash play at being drug dealers, peddling badly made crystal meth and crack in the darker corners of the food court. Cheap Korean whores decked out in the latest designer jeans and little plastic Japanese crap sell their bodies to stressed out virginal engineers. Pathetic Bio majors, dirty and ragged from spending endless nights studying scurry about, hoping to score their next fix of amphetamine-laced Monster to keep them going till their next exam. President Lawrence’s words floated back into mind “You can buy anything there…Love, Loyalty…Heaven, Hell, and everything in between.” I was there as myself, Johnny Taurus, so as not to attract as much attention as I would As Het…course, Johnny Taurus is a celebrity too, but for different reasons. I was to meet my guide there, a Chinese guy named Ping, who would lead me to the building where Prof. Zellwigger was holed up. I was supposed to meet him in the graduate study room, but I didn’t know where it was. So I went up to the information desk and asked the calm looking Vietnamese guy at the desk where the room was.
“WHO YOU! WHAT YOU WANT!”
“Um…excuse me?”
“LOOK YOU STUPID BLACK MAN! YOU NO STAND HERE WITH YOUR WIDE NOSE AND BIG LIPS HANGING OPEN! YOU WASTE MY TIME! NOW TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!”
“Oh…” Johnny struggled to not kill this man. “Well, in that case I just wanted to know where the Graduate Study Room is.”
“IT DOWN THERE.” He stabbed a finger down the hallway behind him on the left. “YOU GO NOW! YOU HERE 5 MINUTES, YOU GO NOW!”
“Thank you.” I looked at his nameplate…Chi Lin Chou…I made a point to remember to kick his ass when the mission was over
***
Melissa is busy taking a time out from living, breathing life to take a field-trip through one of her past lives. Right now she is inhabiting the body of one Lord Valoran.
“Lord Valoran, your troops have the pagans on the run!”
The tall ,blonde, handsome, muscular etc. Lord Herbert Valoran of Normandy looked out triumphantly over the blood-stained wasteland that had hours before been a beautiful countryside in the center of Romania. Lord Valoran’s armor was liberally decorated in the viscera of his foes, he himself only suffering small cuts and scrapes from various slings and arrows.
“Truly, the Lord’s work has been done today. Only He could have given me the strength I needed to brutally slay and violently take the lives of so many heathens. He and my wondrous weapon Lunar Sword that I created with mine own hands.” As he said this he raised his pale-blue sword to the sky to let sun glint off of it’s strange metal and drying blood. It was obviously not the creation of the average blacksmith. “Is that not the Lord’s truth Aedria?”
A devastatingly beautiful Greek woman strode up next to him,. wiping fresh blood from her sword. “Yes my love, you were wonderful today. But we must prepare, we have much to do tomorrow…and tonight.” She kissed him lightly so as not to give the men suspicion; the same men who knew damn good and well that Lord Valoran was nailing the former slave on a nightly basis. A common joke amongst Lord Valoran’s army was that Aedria’s official position was Squire, but her most often assumed position was face down, arse up. “We decimated the forces sent against us today, but we still need to kill more people if we are to truly help the Byzantine army. I mean, your…hehehe, ‘sword’ tastes my sweet love every night, but if my blade and shield do not taste more blood tomorrow, then you will experience a drought you will not much like at all.”
“Point taken my love, I’ll be sure to maneuver their men towards our waiting swords. But now, it is time for you to fulfill your position.”
***
I looked to my right and saw an arcade…more than the usual games were being played. I watched as two men passed a revolver back and forth across a table, after putting it to their heads and pulling the trigger. I moved on. I found the Study room on the left. I stepped into a moodily lit, smoke filled room straight out of an interior decorator's worst dreams. Fat, greasy Grad students were getting blow jobs from undergrad sorority whores imported from College Ave. Ping was serving drinks, when he could tear his eyes off of the various white girls paying lip service to the Grad students. They played poker for money and weed. One of the bodyguards, a slimy looking Korean in an Italian suit, stopped me at the door. “You want something here, man?”
“Yeah, I came for Ping over there.”
“Hm…OK, take him. He’s your problem now. He’s about to get himself killed anyway. Horny bastard can’t keep his hands off the Grad student’s ho’s.”
The bodyguard wasn’t kidding. Ping was one horny bastard. “Hey, you good rooking guy, You think you get me some pussy yeah? I make it worth your while yeah? OK?”
I took him back to the Undergrad Reading room. I’m a full two feet taller than him, so of course, I got all of the attention. I went up to one of the prettier ones, but before I could begin negotiations she said “UH-UH. Me no take soul brotha…too boku, it hurt, me small girl. No way Jose.”
“True as this is, your protestation is misguided sweet thing.” Johnny was full into pimp mode now. “I just wanted to know if you could provide my friend here with a date. He’s awful lonely.” I brought Ping forward, and the ho looked him over.
“Hm…OK, I take him for thirty dorra.
“Thirty?!? Honey I could get him a ho on College Ave for $5. Now seeing as how you’re such a pretty young thing, I’d say you were worth three times that much.” What woman can resist the full charm of Captain Hetero? “Fifteen huh? OK”, she finally said, “I take him for $15, but only cuz you such a nice guy.”
“Much obliged baby, much obliged. Go ahead Ping my man, have at her…I even think she takes Knight Express.” Ping was ecstatic.
“Thank you, thank you Johnny. I neva forget this I mean it! You my numba one OK guy!” Nothing made Johnny happier than getting another man some pussy. He was about to go pound some manners into that uppity info desk guy when a sweet voice from behind him changed his mind. “Ummm…excuse me…but you no too boku for me.” Johnny turned around and saw a phat-assed, big-tittied, slim-waisted, Filipino girl shyly giving him a “fuck me now” look (which isn’t as hard to do as it sounds). Johnny was instantly hard. “Well baby, you see, I don’t usually have to pay for it.”
“Oh, thas OK…this week I have a special…free samples for big cock.” Johnny was extra hard now. He picked her up and the four of them went into their “office” the woman's bathroom. Johnny knew full and well that he was delaying the completion of the mission, but he was adhering to his personal rule of “Pleasure before business, Always.”
Chapter 7 - Break On Through
“Come now Melissa, time to awaken.”
Melissa shook her head. She could feel her body, but she couldn’t physically feel it being there. She couldn’t feel the burning and bleeding and breaking sensations that she felt before she had…died? She definitely didn’t feel dead. But she couldn’t describe what she was feeling as alive either. Her eyes slowly began to focus. She looked up and saw a man…a familiar looking man. He was fair-skinned, blonde hair just like hers, brown eyes just like hers…all in all, he looked a hell of a lot just like her. He was dressed plainly, kind of like a Greek peasant. “Who…wha…”
“Let me guess…” He smiled at her, a smile that made everything that had ever happened OK, and helped her up. “you have questions. Who are you, where am I, and what am I doing here? That’s understandable. All right, I’ll answer in order. First of all, my name is Vectorus. I have been called many things…you can think of me as your guardian angel, your spiritual self, your soul or your avatar. Where are we…also has been called many things by your incarnations…Heaven, Asgard, the astral plane, the Umbra…it’s a place of pure abstraction where everything appears in it’s true form. Now…what are you doing here? Now that is the question isn’t it? I’m afraid the answer depends mostly on how strong you think you are.”
Melissa gave him a sarcastic look. “So, I’m supposed to believe I’m having an out of body experience?”
“No my dear”, the man said, “your having THE out-of-body experience. I have had to have little talks like this one with all of my earthly incarnations, but none have needed it so much, or so early in life, as you have. That’s why I arranged your little accident.”
“So that was your voice I heard? You got me killed you bastard!”
“Oh my dear Melissa, you are not dead… not completely anyway. Now calm down. I have much to show you.” He helped her gently to her feet. “You have become very important in the grand scheme of things. In the very near future there will be a lot of different forces seeking to destroy you or use you for their own ends. And your friend, John, will do and say a lot of things that you are not going to like. But you must be patient with him and accept him for his faults, as you must convince him to be patient with you. Your two destinies are intertwined, as are his avatar and I linked. Remember your love for him, it has saved the two of you many times before.”
“How do you know I love him?” Melissa shot back defiantly, “and what do you mean before? I’ve only known him for a year.”
“Come my dear, and I will show you what I mean.” He took her hand, and Melissa’s journey into her past began.
***
Meanwhile, Johnny was on Busch.
“Busch. Shit, I can’t believe I’m still only on Busch. Last week President Lawrence called me into his office. [insert Emperor’s theme here] “Ahh, Mr. Hetero (wheeze) I have summoned you here for a purpose. What do you know (wheeze) about professor Zellwigger?
Cap answered rather nonchalantly. “Not much. Professor Julia Zellwigger, graduated top of her class in Microbiology from Harvard in 1962, the same year her twin brother Herman graduated from Yale in Psychology. The two siblings have been rivals since birth, with neither ever gaining the upper hand in their lifelong contest. Even their I.Q.’s are even, both topping out at 189. In 1972 she won a Nobel Prize for her breakthroughs in Organic Cybernetic Grafting, the same year her brother started his research in Circular Reasoning. In 1975 she took her current position of Dean of Biology at Rutgers. Ever since she has brought the school millions of dollars in patents on her pharmaceutical research. Yet since 1987 her funding has dwindled, especially funding for her gene therapy and breast cancer research. In the past 5 years her productivity has dropped off noticeably. She’s had a few boyfriends but is generally afraid to commit to a serious relationship. Other than that, I don’t know anything about her.
“Very good Mr. Hetero (wheeze) you keep up on events. I like that. I have discovered through my all-knowing omniscience that this Ms. Zellwigger has been continuing her research projects with funding from an unknown source. She has not left the campus in 8 months (wheeze) and few people have heard from or seen her since. Some of her Honors students have disappeared with her, among them her favorite TA (wheeze) a pharmacy major named Elizabeth Chen. Here’s a copy of her student I.D. picture.
Something is going on on Busch that I do not know about (wheeze) Mr. Hetero, and I do not like not knowing things. Your mission is to go deep into the Heart of Busch and find this woman and her followers. Bring them down, Mr. Hetero, with extreme prejudice. But be warned…Busch is a land of magic and science (wheeze) fact and mystery. The lines between reality and illusion can blur. You can buy anything there…Love, Loyalty…Heaven, Hell, and everything in between.”
“Don’t worry Lawrence, I can handle myself in Far East Busch. I’ll find out what’s going on.”
“Make sure you do Captain Hetero (wheeze). Now go…destroy that woman.”
***
“Now, assuming that this is actually a ‘spiritual journey through the netherworld’ and not just a coma-induced dream, how is all WHOA!” Melissa’s pretentious droning was interrupted by the decidedly disorienting experience of being shot through the spirit world at fantastic speeds. When she came around again, she saw a decimated battlefield and bloody bodies everywhere.
“Hm…I’d say this scene took place during the Crusades, English ground forces battling what appear to be Ottoman Turks I believe. What does this have to do with me?”
“This is one of my favorite incarnations Melissa. Look, over there.”
Vectorus pointed to a part of the battlefield off in the distance. A group of at least 20 Turks were attacking a small group of 5 English knights. The Turks were losing badly. A tall muscular knight was vivisecting the Turks. His sword and armor were soaked in the blood of his enemies, his blade little more than a blur as he carved them into pieces. By his side, a smaller, dark haired woman fought with a sword and shield, kicking just as much ass.
Melissa beamed with pride, “See, even then I was fighting for woman's rights. I know it must have taken a lot of guts for a woman to fight in a society as disgustingly patriarchal as Medieval Europe was.”
“Actually Melissa, that scrappy young woman is Greek. And, she is not our incarnation. That young woman was your friend John. The valiant, dashing young man at the head of the charge; that was us.”
Melissa looked again…the hair, the eyes, the nose…he definitely looked a lot like both of them. “I was…a man? I was a man fighting for God? Oh, this can only get worse…”
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Chapter 6 - Super Straight Girl
"Johnny Taurus wins Rutgers it’s eighth game this season, scoring three touchdowns against Pitt in the 4th quarter."
"Oh my fucking God, It’s Him!"
Jana Garelli, of the Long Island Garellis, ran up to Johnny Taurus, gushing all over the football star. "I just love the way you score all of those touchdowns for our team. I was wondering if I could say thank you for all of Rutgers, and help you score a little more."
Johnny was a little confused. Sure, women creamed their jeans at the thought of him licking them in any way, but this chick was just a little too enthusiastic. After all, it was kind of the point of the game for him to score touchdowns; she was acting like he had just cured cancer.
"My name’s Jana, and I’m your biggest fucking fan. I’ve always wanted to show my appreciation for showing all us lucky girls your big sexy black body in the College Ave. gym when you work out. She pulled him into the womens' locker room.
"Damn girl, you don’t play do you? But the thing is this is the girls…" Johnny was cut short as he felt a pair of soft warm lips suck at his dickhead. This little white bitch (he was at least a foot and a half taller than her) was trying desperately to fit his foot-long into her mouth. She worked his cock with both hands, the effort of jerking off such massive meat showing on her face. But she was determined. Her saliva coated his dick, her hunger was evident. She was going to fill her stomach with hetero-semen or die trying. Of course, she didn’t know she was waxing the knob of Captain Hetero, but she was giving a heroic blow-job anyway. Johnny normally had a lot of stamina for this type of thing, but he could feel his balls getting his load ready to go. She could only fit one of his huge testicles in her palm at a time, and she rubbed them lovingly as her tongue danced along his throbbing vein.
"Damn, I wish all women were as appreciative of sports as you are" he gasped. But breath wasn’t coming easily; the pleasure was so intense he was finding it hard to breathe, hard to do anything but admire the cocksucking this girl was giving him. She then sucked on his balls, a feeling which made him so dizzy he almost fell down; but he wasn’t done yet, and neither was she. She knew that his time was cumming, so she went into her finishing move. She wrapped both hands around his oversized shaft and jacked him off for all she was worth, all the while snaking her tongue around his head and sucking like a Hoover. Johnny had met his match with this one, and he warned Jana, "you might want to get out of the way, this is going to be a big one."
Johnny had given more than one girl whiplash cumming in her mouth. But Jana hung on to his member stubbornly, determined to swallow his precious load. When he couldn’t take it any more, he let fly into her mouth with tremendous pressure. And to her credit, she took it all down, all into her, not spilling a drop…Johnny swayed in and out of consciousness as if his life had left him with his sperm. Jana felt proud but tired…it was hard gulping down all of that hot cum for lunch, but damn it tasted good.
Satisfied, Johnny stared at the young white slut kneeling in front of him. Now, he could just walk out of the bathroom after a good dick sucking and go on with his day…..but he wasn’t done yet. He looked at her… she looked so young and innocent (so he thought; he had no idea what kind of slut he was dealing with). Her Scarlet and Black skirt was too short, showing off her strong and sexy cheerleader’s legs. He pulled her skirt up exposing her black g-string panties. He wondered how many other guys had seen the same panties and fucked the same bald pussy, but this didn’t stop him. His cock was hard again over this little white chick. He couldn’t believe his dick, but he didn’t question it. He bent her over the toilet bowl and grabbed her hips. She had a lot more ass than he was expecting. "It’s the little surprises in life that make life worth living", he thought. He rammed his hard cock into her tight wet pussy… listening to her moan turned him on even more and he reached his hand around to the front of her body and rubbed her clit.
He fucked her hard for awhile until he wanted to change positions. He got up and sat on the toilet (romantic, huh?) and asked her to ride him; how could she say no? She slowly lowered herself onto his hard, wet cock. Bouncing up and down she sucked on his neck, almost biting him; this bitch was a specialized pro. He felt every single sensation of her wet cunt on his black meat. He grabbed her ass and pushed her onto his dick even more…feeling the cum filling his balls again he knew it was almost time. "Ahhhhhhh!!!!" She let out a loud moan and her entire body shook with pleasure. She came and she came hard. He felt her juices drip all over his dick. This made his cock ready to explode and he pulled out, filling her mouth again with his super sperm. All she could do was moan loudly as she swallowed, for she had never been fucked by a black cock with so much power. Johnny was finally spent. He was sweaty and tired as fuck, for he just busted two of the biggest nuts he could ever remember busting. He stood and zipped his pants back up. He didn’t know what to say to this cute white girl that could suck a mean dick except, "Thanks" and "maybe I will see you again!" He walked away and left her to clean up and pull back down her skirt by herself. After all……she was just a cheerleader.
***
Jana’s stomach felt funny for the rest of the day…not bad, just… full; kind of like when you eat a big lasagna dinner. She was full of cum and satisfied. She tried to find Melissa, but she was nowhere to be found. So she went home, went to dinner with her friends at Brower (but, unsurprisingly ate little), talked some guy on her floor into doing her homework, and went to bed. Don’t believe what anybody says, being a slut is hard work.
Johnny rode his motorcycle over to Livingston. After the game, and his little post-game celebration with the cheerleader, he was pretty tired himself. He was going to be on SportsCenter tonight, and he loved seeing himself on TV. He met up with his friend Calief in front of Tillet. "Whassup dog?." "Nothing…yo, I just got the best head of my life from this white cheerleader in the girls locker room after the game. I hit it after that too…it was pretty nice, she had a big ass for a white girl."
Johnny liked hanging with Calief, there was a lack of Black people on College Ave. that bothered him sometimes. "A-ight, a-ight…yo, you better watch it fuckin with those white girls though…you know what happened to O.J. and Kobe" Johnny shook his head, "If O.J. was with a Black girl, she woulda had her cousins, her brothers and everybody she knew whup his ass. White girls are easier to be with, they do anything for a good Black dick. But you’re right, I haven’t had a sista in…what, three days? Still, a blow job’s a blow job…and this was a damn good one. Trust me, my dick has an appointment with her tonsils again real soon."
***
That morning Jana woke up feeling like a million bucks. She stretched and hit her head. "Ow, what the fuck?" Jana usually slept in the middle of her bed, and her head was nowhere near the wall, she was only 5' 1" after all. But today she hit her head on the wall. She looked at her toes…they looked farther away than usual. There was a full length mirror in her room, so she got up and looked at herself in it. She wore a little T-shirt and boxers to bed which usually were loose on her. This morning they were a lot tighter, practically splitting at the seams. She looked herself over. She had definitely grown, at least six inches overnight. Her body, which was tight anyway because of cheerleader practice and gymnastics, showed a lot more muscle, and her tits had grown from a B to a DD. "Well, looks like semen does a body a lot more good than milk does."
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Chapter 5 - The FR.A.T.'s Strike Back
That morning was calm, peaceful, and tranquil. It was the peace that comes from having no semen left in your body, the dehydration that results from having many, many orgasms. They had sent the girls they took home with them back to wherever they had come from. After all, they had served their purpose, and Johnny wanted some alone time with his best friend. Melissa slept in Johnny’s bed. Don’t get any funny ideas, he has a huge bed, and they slept a comfortable (for her) distance from each other. Being a jock at
“M, wake up, time to get up. You’ve got that Queer thing to get ready for. And I have a little job to do for El Presidente Lawrence over on Busch…I’m going to have to find a Cantonese/English dictionary…”
Melissa turned over. She was wearing a shirt that was hers, and a bra that wasn’t. “Johnny, whose bra is this? It isn’t yours is it?” She smiled warmly and arched her back. Johnny watched her bask in the sunlight like a cat.
“No it’s not mine. I think it belonged to one of the girls we did last night…I’m not sure which one though, there were so many. Are you sure that anti-VD serum you came up with will work? I mean, I’m immune to disease, but you…”
“John, I knew good and damn well when I came here that I was going to need more than a dental dam to keep myself from getting herpes at this school. But your right, If I’m going to be I.D. today I have to get into character.”
Melissa took the bus over to Douglass. She was quite right, she did have to get into character. I.D. was all about anger, which Melissa usually had a lot of. But after spending a night with Johnny she felt too good and relaxed to really get excited about shooting anyone. But Melissa had faith in the good people of
Melissa cringed. She hated this girl for so many reasons she couldn’t decide which was her favorite. She considered recruiting Jana, but then she realized that it probably wouldn’t change her personality any. Instead of being an incredibly annoying breeder, she’d be an incredibly annoying lesbian, which could conceivable be worse. “Yeah”, Melissa whispered under her breath, “you’d fuck it up for the rest of us.”
“What did you say? I can’t hear anything since I got this sixth hole in my ear. But it looks so cool doesn’t it? OH! OH! Did you see that awesome fight between Captain Hetero and that skank Iron Dyke? He would have won if she hadn’t cheated. Oh that Cap Het is such a piece of fucking man-meat! I would ride his big, black…”
“OK!” Anyone who was looking might have actually seen the storm cloud forming over Melissa’s head. Even though Jana’s voice excelled at producing high-pitched white-girl noises, there was something else behind Melissa’s anger. Jealousy, perhaps? “I get your point, you like him! Look, if you like him so much why don’t you go be his sidekick.”
A flash of light flickered in Jana’s eyes. At that instant, destiny was changed, or perhaps followed, and Melissa knew that with a few words she had made the absolute biggest mistake of her life. “Hey…do you think he would let me?”
***
On College Ave., a crowd gathered in front of Brower. On the stage, an impeccably dressed gay man with a slight French accent stood, addressing the crowd. “Ladies and Gentlemen, Queers of all ages, in recent weeks, a hero has emerged from our midst championing the cause of Gays and Lesbians everywhere. Today, we bring you this hero. I present to you, IRON DYKE!” Melissa floated down from the sky in her brand new shiny Iron D armor. It was a prototype and not fully functional yet, but after the trashing her other armor took, it was all she had available. Besides, it looked good, and that was all she’d need for today. “ROCK ON DYKES!” The crowd roared. Breeders scattered. “I just wanted to let everyone know that now that I’m here, no one will ever have to worry about prejudice or gay bashing again. The only bashing that will happen is the bashing of those fuckhead straight males who oppress us. No woman need fear oppression again. Queers in general need not fear anything, because where ever we face discrimination, there will be a Dyke in Shining Armor there to fight for our rights.”
“Not after we kill you here.”
A voice came from nowhere. People looked around, but no one was to be seen; until, they looked up. I.D.’s scanners had already picked up the danger. Ten targets, armed to the teeth, had taken up strategic positions on rooftops around her. “Hey Dyke, remember me?
While he talked, Melissa schemed. “Hm…10 targets. Good thing I finished that new attack move the other night. Computer, upload attack pattern ‘Women’s Scorn’. He’s about to fire. Have to move…”
“Melissa.”
“Huh?” The distraction couldn’t have come at a worst time. The FRA.T. boys opened up on her. She was hit from every angle by high-energy plasma charges. Melissa didn’t understand…she felt a lot of sharp pains, her armor buckled. She met the sidewalk face first. “But…somebody called me…my real name…who would know…”
“We have to talk Melissa.”
The ghostly voice faded as her consciousness did the same. Melissa saw red…her blood…from her head she guessed…a sticky warmth spread down her chest. “So, this is what it’s like to die…I always thought I’d be more…drunk when I died.”
The F.R.A.T. Boys jumped down onto the steps of Brower, randomly beating people in the crowd. “Listen up all you fuckin fags, and you bull-dykes too. You better crawl back into whatever closet you came out of cuz us F.R.A.T. Boys are gonna make sure you keep your disgusting selves out of us normal people’s faces. You have two choices, either straighten up or get fucked up. Understand?” Ethan pistol-whipped the MC for effect. The well-dressed Frenchman fell hard on the steps, a trickle of blood running down his forehead. “You will never get away with this, someone will rise to stop you”, he spit out defiantly. “Who’s gonna stop me? A sissy like you, or that dead dyke over there?”
Melissa had a fail-safe built into her program that would teleport her back to base should her brain waves cease transmitting. She crackled with energy and disappeared.”
Is this the end of our Lovable Lesbian? How will the Hetero Hero avenge his best friend’s death? You’re going have to wait until next issue to find out. But just so you don’t worry too much, remember. In comic books, how long do superheroes ever stay dead?
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Chapter 4 - Still Waters
Two heroes sit in a darkened room, a single light hanging above their heads the only illumination. A young man lies on a stretcher. To his right, a young woman sits, her head resting in her hands. Heroes yes, but not right now. Right now, they are just Johnny and Melissa.
“The government created me through advanced bio-genetic hormonal manipulation to combat the Lavender Scare of homosexuality. They wanted me to hurt, maim and kill. I had no problem with that. It was the reasons they wanted me to do it for. Heterosexuality should be preserved, bisexuals must be saved, but homosexuals need not be beaten senseless simply for existing.”
“Yes, homosexuals need not be beaten at all. Straight people, on the other hand, do. All of them, just once. Queers deserve our rightful place of dominance in this world…if for no other reason than we are just cooler than other people. Breeders are so close-minded. Since we’re able to think outside of the normal range of reality, gay people are naturally inclined to have more and better ideas for improving humanity on the whole.” She pulled her knees up into her chest and stared out into space. Johnny could see her eyes, as the light reflected off of her glasses, but he couldn’t help but notice that even in her delusional rage she still exuded a powerful grace from her sleight form.
Johnny shifted uncomfortably. He gave Melissa a look of half amusement and half fear. “You’re serious aren’t you? M, gay people are not better than the rest of us. They aren’t worse either. Maybe a little misguided in their sexual preference, but no worse. The same way men aren’t better than women. We have lots of traits that are superior to women, strength, rationality, self-reliance, and natural leadership potential, but women have their traits too. They’re smarter for one thing and better at problem solving. They can work towards a common goal and promote unity when it is needed.”
Melissa looked at him suspiciously, a flash of anger crossing her face. “See, it’s exactly that type of bullshit that I’m fighting against. Nobody believes that men and women are equal. The reason I beat so many silly frat boys into comas is because they need a lesson in DykePower, which is much stronger than HorsePower of FirePower. Iron Dyke was created to teach the breeders a lesson, that queers are their superiors and Lesbians are the greatest of all. I know that as her I’m a little…aggressive…but that’s what’s needed to make people understand. Otherwise, those stupid-ass fuckheads out there would keep screwing us over and denying us rights and beating us up whenever they feel like it. When you put that suit on, even you’re a different person. You represent that breeder sexually-normative morally-superior attitude that keeps us from having equal rights to you. You’re not the Johnny Taurus I know and love; you’re Captain Hetero, the man I hate. How the fuck am I supposed to reconcile that? What am I gonna do now? It’s all fucked up now.”
Johnny looked at his friend, the love of his life, Melissa. It was her passion, her force of personality that made him love her. He was quiet for a few minutes. He sat up and closed his eyes. “I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do. We are going to teach them that lesson, both of us. The breeders. They can’t do that to gay folk, it’s not right, and I won’t stand for it. No real man stands idly by while injustice runs free, and those who can’t defend themselves have their rights trampled on. But the straight people aren’t the only one’s who need teaching. Feminazi’s, Frat Boys, Fags, Dykes, Cheerleaders, Jocks, Republicans, militant anti-government separatists, girls who don’t swallow, guys who don’t go down, the Klan, the entire cast of High School Musical, Katy Perry…” “Especially Katy Perry.” “Ok, especially Katy Perry, bad Indian bands, renegade Toons, foreign TA’s, and disease-ridden whores will all feel our might. M, from this point on, it’s no more Het against Dyke. It’s us against the world. Standing up for our people, Blacks, Lesbians, Black Lesbians, whoever. We beat whoever needs beating, regardless of their affiliation. We both have enough repressed anger to unleash it on an unsuspecting but increasingly deserving world.. From now on, we Frenzy together!”
Johnny made this announcement and promptly passed out. When he came to again, Melissa was there, offering him some Ramen noodles. “You’re not frenzying on anyone right now big boy. I fucked you up today remember? You’re not strong enough yet. Tonight is vacation for both of us. You trashed my armor pretty good, I have to admit that much. My next armor type will be much stronger once I analyze the battle data.”
“Well, if we’re not fighting, we’re fucking. Let’s get dressed. Pussy. It’s what’s for dinner. You haven’t had a girl in what, two months?”
Melissa turned around slowly. “Actually it’s been four and a half months. What’s it to you? I’ve been busy. Writing the EstroFrenzy Program, fine tuning War Dyke, writing my speech for Queer Appreciation week tomorrow in front of Brower….you know, busy.”
“Come on M, who’re you trying to fool? You haven’t gotten laid because you dress like a colorblind librarian. You cover all your assets up.” Johnny sized up his friend. Melissa was 5’7” 140 lb. She had short blond-ish hair, and a body Johnny dreamed of fucking every other night. “You’ve got nice toned muscles, perfectly shaped 36C breasts, a rock-hard stomach, a little waist, nice round hips, a beautiful ass (and I’m black…a black man knows a good ass) and great legs. Hm…remind me again, why am I not fucking you silly?”
“Because I’m gay, dickshit. Now stop playing, I dress fine. It’s just that girl’s around here don’t have any taste.”
“Yeah, it’s sick how woman these days require their dates to have a sense of style and not wear visually offensive color schemes. Atrocious. This isn’t the most manly thing, but woman, I’m going to dress you. I’m secure enough in my masculinity to do it. To the Mall!”
After a short but fruitful shopping spree, all paid on Melissa’s, Dad’s Black AmEx card, our lovable lesbian was transformed from a fashion unconscious misfit to a passably fashion conscious misfit.
“Check it out. Small, tight tank top; shows of your tit’s, muscles, and most importantly, your tattoo.” Melissa’s tattoo was her pride and joy, an Anvil with a Pink Triangle on it. “The best Dyke Bait ever created. Bare navel; shows off stomach…veerry sexy. Baggy pants hanging off hips…prelude to something great. Teasing is good, remember that M.” Melissa wouldn’t have admitted it, but she was taking mental notes. Everybody can stand to learn a thing or two about dating. “Shoes; Black, Always. The tougher looking the better. Nothing too girly looking. You can get away with a small bit of fashionability in this department, as long as you don’t sacrifice looks for comfort. Shoes are very important…always consult with me before buying shoes.”
Melissa was awed by his knowledge. “How do you know so much about what it takes to get a lesbian?”
“Oh M, M…I am The Man, and the Man always knows what a woman wants, even if what she wants isn’t me. I figure what a girl wants in another chick can’t be too different from what a girl wants in a guy. Two things, looks and money. You show off your body, you show off your wallet, you get pussy. After all, a woman’s a woman, and no woman’s heart is foreign to Captain Hetero.”
Melissa stood up and looked at him with a mix of disgust and awe. It was an emotion she figured she would have to get used to feeling for her friend. They had decided to walk downtown; it was a nice night, the warmth of the day carrying over to the evening. She looked at him, trying not to beam…why did this man alone have her affection when no other could? “Johnny…don’t make me shoot you... more… today….”
You’re probably wondering what happened next. Well, Johnny as usual had his choice of women, and Melisssa was a big hit with the carpet-munching crowd. They picked up a couple of Bi girls and passed them around like a couple of 40’s. Orgasms were plentiful, tension was relieved. But Johnny, once again, was denied the dream of having sex with the women he loved. But, there would be plenty of chances to vent his anger. There were plenty of assholes who could use an ass kicking, especially in
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Chapter 3 - Rainbows and Sunshine
[DANGER; NEURALNET SHUT-DOWN RESULTING IN TEMPORARY PARALYSIS]
Melissa knew what her onboard computer was telling her…this was going to hurt.
The Man took his shield in both hands, jumped and brought it down across her face CLANG. He did it again. CLANG. And again. CLANG. At this point the entire crowd had gone quiet. The enormous force of Cap’s blows stunning them into silence. I.D. was on her knees before him. “The way it should be”, he thought. He raised his Black, White, and Red shield high above his head to be brought with great finality down into her neck. But something went wrong. Right before he was about to end her life…maybe it was fate, or luck, or the will to live…she caught it…caught the edge of his shield. The gay folk went wild. Cap’s muscles strained, but he could not finish the act. Melissa pushed her armor to its limit’s. Slowly she got up to one knee. They were at a stalemate; no one could gain an inch on the other. Neither of them would give in either. [DANGER; POWER OUTPUT AT 98% SYSTEM OPERATING AT 30% EFFICIENCY STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY 18% MAXIMUM STRENGTH] “This can’t go on much longer”, Melissa thought, “the armor can’t take the strain I’m putting on it, not after all the damage I’ve taken. Gotta end this fast. Time for the EstroFrenzy. But first I have to end this stalemate. Computer, give me an Air Mine right between us and an Ice Bomb about 10 yards behind him. [DANGER, CLOSE PROXIMITY TO MINE WILL] I know, I know, just do it.” Cap pushed hard back. “I’ve only got enough power left for one more super move…I’m tired and sore and dizzy as all hell. Those air mines have a lingering pain effect I was not expecting. I thought the Raging Bull would have finished her off. Only one thing left now…HeteroFrenzy.” Just as Cap had that thought, one of those nasty little air mines appeared between them, blowing them both backwards. They both got to their feet, after a minute or five. They were hurt, they were tired, but they weren’t going to give up. Not till somebody was dead. Cap noticed he was laying on something hard. He got up and looked at it. “SHIT!” He had just enough time before I.D. was able to detonate it to get his guard up. There was a bright white flash and then ice everywhere. He was fine, but his shield was frozen solid. “That’s it, I’m about to lay the smack-down on your candy-ass. Game over woman.” “That frozen shield won’t stop a paper airplane now. Time to fucking die you breeder bastard…”
Super Final Attack EEEEEEESTROOOOFRENZYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
“Super Special Final Technique HETEROOOOOOOOFRENZYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
Cap threw his shield with every bit of strength in his body. I.D. clasped her hand together in front of her. A large arc of electricity started to buzz between the barrels of her shoulder-mounted guns to her fists, forming, oddly enough, a triangle. When the electricity had built to a sufficiently lethal voltage, she released it at Cap. The projectiles sailed past each other, each finding their mark. Cap’s shield crashed into I.D.’s forehead, shattering on impact. The little pieces of frozen metal hit the ground after I.D. did. The pieces of male symbol that had adorned his shield fell about her prone form. Cap started running to finish off his move, straight into the stun bolt. He stood there, writhing in agony as 500,000 volts of electricity surged through his body. It is at this point that ID. would have completed the EstroFrenzy, if she wasn’t unconscious. After the shock had spent itself, Cap fell…the last thing he saw before his consciousness took a coffee break, was I.D. laid out across the field. “Ha”, he thought with slight amusement, “we beat each other. Just proves what I’ve been saying all along. Women aren’t better than men…we’re just about even. Different but even…” After a few moments, both of their unconscious bodies crackled with energy, and disappeared.
The crowd…well…they were, quite frankly…confused. “So, who won?” a random fag was heard to say. “I don’t know”, some breeder from Livingston said, “this was it. This was supposed to be it, the fight to prove who was better, men or women. But they beat each other. Could this mean that men and women are really equal, and that this whole battle of the sex’s thing is a waste of time and we should really all just be working together to form a better world, is that what all of this could mean?” This idea was passed along through the spectators. Each and every person present seemed to give the concept deep thought for a moment. Then, as has happened repeatedly in the course of human events, they all collectively missed the point entirely. “Nah. Man, boys rule, girls drool.” “Fuck you asshole, my friend Bertha here will show you how a real dyke fights.” Just before another brawl broke out, the FR.A.T. boys and Amazon Warriors rushed the field, finding no Iron Dyke and no Captain Hetero. They looked around, looked at each other, scowled menacingly, and left. A fight for another day. The crowd was, quite understandably, even more horribly confused.
A few hours later, Johnny woke up. He was lying on a stretcher in a dimly lit room. All he could make out was machinery everywhere. “How are you feeling?” “My head feels like there’s bad Indian band playing ‘Staying Alive’ behind my eyes. Who’s there?” His mask was off, some of his suit was burnt and ripped, and some of him was burned and ripped. “Most of your wounds have healed already. Amazing really…I’ve treated your burns and the frostbite on your fingers. I hope I can fix my armor before my public appearance on College Ave. for Queer Appreciation Week.” The voice stepped into the light…it was Melissa. “So, you’re Captain Hetero. Ain’t that a bitch.” “Melissa? You’re Iron Dyke? Fuck me, why didn’t I figure that out sooner.” “Yeah”, she said, “that’s me, the Dyke of Steel. And you’re The Man. And we’re best friends, and they’re mortal enemies. Where do we go from here Johnny? What happens now?”
“Now, we do what we should have done a long time ago. We talk.”